While recently away from my keyboard attempting to acquire a fine cup of hot green tea (which, incidentally, originated in Quadrant V) my workstation was assailed by what can only be called beings of immense intelligence from the far reaches of Space and Time. When I returned from my quest to find tea the following message was displayed on my monitor (it should be noted that this is an unaltered reproduction of said document, if you are able to translate the document in whole or in part please contact your local HSC™ representative promptly and with much gusto).
lol i leik teh quasi scintfic pondrings maybe for u shuld rite abot teh dimenshun of teh intarwebz lol in that dimshun thar wil b other monsters and creshurs lol i have a computer box at teh home but it is the sux0rz lol!!!!11!111!!!!one!!11 when i get teh new 1 tehn i can play teh gamez wif teh grafix up to the high setting!!!1! i think u shuld rite about me in teh next issue of qsp lol,,, i can beat Spiner Mcblamm at his own games of teh universe. lol
Now, this document can mean only 7.2 of 4 things:
1. The universe as we know it is in dire peril.
2. The universe as we know it is not in dire peril.
3. Sometimes tea can be too hot.
©. The being that wrote the document is testing our strength and guile.
If for some reason the universe is in fact in dire peril then you will receive a message saying as much from the Meta-Ariwaves broadcasting from the HSC headquarters. Of course, it is a well-known fact that the only way to hear a message transmitted on Meta-Airwaves is to cover oneself with the month of July and eat 5.4 Words of Digression. While this may at first seem theoretically, physically, technically, and vocationally impossible, rest assured that the HSC is almost hard at work creating something that may or may not be just what you thought you were looking for in the first place. Once such a device has been created (yet remain unnamed due to the limitations of all known language to describe a machine that could invariably vary the very core of our existence) you will be notified at the proper time using proper methods (paying particularly close attention to Article V Section 2 of the handbook of untimely notifications).
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Chapter 33: The Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V
The discovery of the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V was a momentous occasion in the astrocartographic department of the HSC Headquarters. This was a far greater occurrence than merely discovering a standard Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar because the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V (whose name defies any and all attempts at acronymization) was shown to be located within the confines of Quadrant V. Prior to this Quadrant V was never proven to exist anywhere but the theoretical reality of Drs. Chrutchuizen and Chrutchuizen the conjoined physicist twins.
The original discovery of the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar created merely something akin to a mild hoopla until attempts to locate it within the realm of known space (including but not limited to all 32 dimensions) proved disastrous to a number of scientist’s favorite chalkboards (all good higher science is still performed with chalk). Thus, since it was not known where this Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar was and it was known where it wasn’t, by inference the logical location that it must be is where all that wasn’t is or will be. By the time the astrocartographic department had nearly given up hope Drs. Chrutchuizen2 came along and jovially jogged their memory as to their previously laughable theorems. Approximately 3.7 weeks later they were able to apply the necessary mathematics (unfortunately it took some time to grow the proper chalkboards) and discover the location of Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V within Quadrant V.
This astounding discovery converted the previously mild hoopla to a fantastically glorious celebration spanning the entirety of Ventosus Island. Unfortunately the parade and other proceedings were ruined by the inexplicably high winds that seem to propagate in the area. Higher Scientific authorities have assured us that it has nothing to do with the attempted time travel to the past to assure a faster replenishment of chalkboards.
The original discovery of the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar created merely something akin to a mild hoopla until attempts to locate it within the realm of known space (including but not limited to all 32 dimensions) proved disastrous to a number of scientist’s favorite chalkboards (all good higher science is still performed with chalk). Thus, since it was not known where this Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar was and it was known where it wasn’t, by inference the logical location that it must be is where all that wasn’t is or will be. By the time the astrocartographic department had nearly given up hope Drs. Chrutchuizen2 came along and jovially jogged their memory as to their previously laughable theorems. Approximately 3.7 weeks later they were able to apply the necessary mathematics (unfortunately it took some time to grow the proper chalkboards) and discover the location of Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V within Quadrant V.
This astounding discovery converted the previously mild hoopla to a fantastically glorious celebration spanning the entirety of Ventosus Island. Unfortunately the parade and other proceedings were ruined by the inexplicably high winds that seem to propagate in the area. Higher Scientific authorities have assured us that it has nothing to do with the attempted time travel to the past to assure a faster replenishment of chalkboards.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Chapter 32: Origin of the Mats
Mats that cover the floors of various establishments have astoundingly peculiar properties. While at first glace they seem to be nothing more than rubber, carpet, or plastic objects lying in convenient places, if you were to take a closer look you would see that they are more than just objects to be trampled underfoot. It is in the hallowed halls of the auspicious HSC building located on Ventosus Island (which happens to be a nice place if you are looking for that last piece to The Puzzle) that you will find documents detailing the first meeting between man and Mat. While the exact origins of the Matimaliens is not known, it has been assumed on a number of occasions (it is a well known fact that if something is assumed exactly 712.984683 times while sitting in a large cup of tea, it automatically defaults to being true) that the origins of said beings are not important. What is important to note is the first meeting was a peaceful one.
However, since that first meeting the human race as a whole has enslaved the Matimaliens and lost sight of the fact that they are living beings with something almost resembling feelings. “But,” you may say, “Why isn’t any of this information in our school textbooks?” The answer is quite simple and will simply delight your inquisitive brain. You see, all of the theorems, conjectures, and improvable facts contained within this document are so mind numbingly complex that we at QSP must use a custom-made “HSC Word Containment Field” in order to keep the words of our scientific discoveries from floating off the page. Most people assume that science is heavy and can stay in one spot without fancy equipment, this may be true for the Lesser Scientific Community’s discoveries, but it is certainly not true for the wondrous wonderment that is the HSC. Since textbooks do not come equipped with any HSC-WCF, they cannot begin to start the process of commencing the development of including HSC science in their curriculum.
You may think that the heavy science is the more accurate science with more substance. That is exactly what the LSC wants you to think. They believe that physical science is absolute and has no deviations whatsoever. They have also brainwashed people into thinking that things with more stuff are heavier than things without as much stuff. “A pound of lead weighs more than an ounce of sweet honey from the comb,” is one of their favorite phrases. Naturally, the higher minds of the HSC know better. Take, for instance, the Krmphts from the 1st dimensions. If you were to stack three of them into a bottomless bag, (something that should only be attempted by trained professionals and lesser heroes due to the fact that the physiological makeup of a Krmpht is akin to a tube sock crossed with the anti-space equivalent of a malevolent but humorous goat) you would find that they weigh about 17.8 Kukaktiks (which is a universal standard for weight measurement, for comparative purposes, the average adult male human weighs ‘chair’ Kukaktiks). If you add in a fourth Krmpht the bag will suddenly plummet to ╝ Kukaktiks (which is considerably lower).
So now that the Matimaliens are officially at war with humanity they have taken it upon themselves to trip us at the most inopportune times. They especially enjoy tripping people who are attempting to impress members of the opposite sex. Ice has a very similar vendetta against us.
However, since that first meeting the human race as a whole has enslaved the Matimaliens and lost sight of the fact that they are living beings with something almost resembling feelings. “But,” you may say, “Why isn’t any of this information in our school textbooks?” The answer is quite simple and will simply delight your inquisitive brain. You see, all of the theorems, conjectures, and improvable facts contained within this document are so mind numbingly complex that we at QSP must use a custom-made “HSC Word Containment Field” in order to keep the words of our scientific discoveries from floating off the page. Most people assume that science is heavy and can stay in one spot without fancy equipment, this may be true for the Lesser Scientific Community’s discoveries, but it is certainly not true for the wondrous wonderment that is the HSC. Since textbooks do not come equipped with any HSC-WCF, they cannot begin to start the process of commencing the development of including HSC science in their curriculum.
You may think that the heavy science is the more accurate science with more substance. That is exactly what the LSC wants you to think. They believe that physical science is absolute and has no deviations whatsoever. They have also brainwashed people into thinking that things with more stuff are heavier than things without as much stuff. “A pound of lead weighs more than an ounce of sweet honey from the comb,” is one of their favorite phrases. Naturally, the higher minds of the HSC know better. Take, for instance, the Krmphts from the 1st dimensions. If you were to stack three of them into a bottomless bag, (something that should only be attempted by trained professionals and lesser heroes due to the fact that the physiological makeup of a Krmpht is akin to a tube sock crossed with the anti-space equivalent of a malevolent but humorous goat) you would find that they weigh about 17.8 Kukaktiks (which is a universal standard for weight measurement, for comparative purposes, the average adult male human weighs ‘chair’ Kukaktiks). If you add in a fourth Krmpht the bag will suddenly plummet to ╝ Kukaktiks (which is considerably lower).
So now that the Matimaliens are officially at war with humanity they have taken it upon themselves to trip us at the most inopportune times. They especially enjoy tripping people who are attempting to impress members of the opposite sex. Ice has a very similar vendetta against us.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Chapter 31: Industrial Favoritism and Political Indifference
Normally this scientific journal has attempted to remain free from the political shackles that hinder lesser intellects but that time has slipped into the sands of time with a viscosity entirely unlike that which belongs to the aforementioned sands. It has come to our collective attention that a special interest group calling themselves the Industrial Superiority Conglomerate has begun lobbying for the reduction of scientific spending and research. Their position is that we can build a better tomorrow strictly by building better. They are calling for the shutdown of all major scientific research labs. Their picket lines have already caused mass intimidation at the tandem research labs of the Crutchuizen twins. Dr. Slobodan Vilczevski’s study of the synchronous flux of quantum phazons has been summarily halted until this situation remedies itself. To this outrage we must most loquaciously object! Quantum phazons wait for no man! These outbreaks have begun to occur at alarming rates. It is with monumental reluctance that we begin to delve into the political arena. Our protestations are that:
1. A better future cannot be built without first researching what that better future must entail.
2. We, the scientists, are the ones who will research the future to better it.
3. If an alternate community researches what a better future can be built from, they become scientists.
4. Since all scientists have been banned from practicing scientific progress.
5. The new researchers would be suffering the same dilemma currently facing the HSC.
6. And protesting it as we are.
7. See #1.
In the meantime we have invited the authoritative Mr. Iosef Valdini to mediate this atrocity with his singular aplomb. Mr. Valdini’s vast portfolio includes the culmination of the Qwellerian Chip crisis, and the Great Mastication Debate.
1. A better future cannot be built without first researching what that better future must entail.
2. We, the scientists, are the ones who will research the future to better it.
3. If an alternate community researches what a better future can be built from, they become scientists.
4. Since all scientists have been banned from practicing scientific progress.
5. The new researchers would be suffering the same dilemma currently facing the HSC.
6. And protesting it as we are.
7. See #1.
In the meantime we have invited the authoritative Mr. Iosef Valdini to mediate this atrocity with his singular aplomb. Mr. Valdini’s vast portfolio includes the culmination of the Qwellerian Chip crisis, and the Great Mastication Debate.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Chapter 30: A Clarification on the Malleability of the Past
Previous didactic treatises by my person have sought to explain the nature of time travel based on certain incidents that have been related to me by the somewhat dubious personage of Spinner McBlam’s cousin, who assures me that his name is too important to pronounce with one mouth. (In fact he will not respond unless at least 3 people voice his monosyllabic name – at least one has to be female, for purposes of harmony and distinction, he assures me*)
These accounts may have left the impression that the Scientific Community is in complete agreement on the matter. . . which we are not. The Lesser Scientific Community(LSC) has certain objections to the possibility of time travel. We in the Greater Scientific Community(GSC) try to avoid the hint of smugness in our voice when we point out that it is simply because they have not tried it yet.
Their arguments are fascinating and even spill over into the realms of the present and future, including destiny and freewill in a shameless attempt to appear “deep.” You see, there is good data from studies indicating that if a female perceives that a male in the LSC is “deep” she will ignore the growing awkwardness in his conversation for an additional 12 seconds before turning her attention to the shallow, but good-looking gentleman standing by the punch-bowl at the get-together. These additional 12 seconds of female attention are considered invaluable by the LSC. We in the GSC are above such qualms as pandering to the feminine aesthetic because, as David Sagus puts it: “They kind of have to start talking to us first.”
The LSC posits that if time travel is possible it is highly probable. Who would be able to do that and not use it? Therefore since the past has never been changed we have to assume that it cannot be changed. It is thus fixed and not subject to change. Therefore, since the present is nothing but the future’s past it is likewise unchangeable and so is the future – for how could a changeable outcome grow out of an unchangeable one? Destiny is absolute and nothing can change it.
Some disagreeable people disagree. . . er, naturally. They point out that if the past were changed our present would be destroyed and replaced by one more agreeable to the new logical flow of events. Therefore, we wouldn’t know that the past had been changed because memory is based (loosely) on previous events and the old, replaced memories would find themselves popping, embarrassed out of a mind in which they no longer had an excuse to inhabit. Memory is hard to hang on to anyway, much less when it knows it is no longer welcome. This would cause us to assume that the past is set, to proclaim so loudly, bask in the attention it provides, and then accept the set course of events as inevitable and with resignation when she goes to talk to Mark by the Punchbowl.
We in the GSC know that both extremes are extemperroneous. According to the theories of relativity nothing polite can travel faster than light. So the changes sliding down time’s arrow, like so many Cheerios down a string of minty dental floss would take an amount of time proportional to their distance from the present to snap the present into alignment.
Roy
Roy
Roy claims to have visited a family who, due to long memories and an incomprehensible stubborn streak, are able to recall the past past even after the new past has caught up to them. When asked to explain how they are capable of retaining memories which have no right to exist in their minds they reply: “Why should I?”
I told you they were stubborn.
I was having trouble understanding the concept. It was hard for me to focus on the story as Roy3 and I were Indian Leg Wrestling while he held forth.
“It’s like this,” Tri-Roy said as he pulled my knee into the general vicinity of my face, “When you saw George Lucas’s brilliant documentary Star Wars as a youngster you enjoyed the encounter with Han Solo and Greedo in the Cantina.”
“Yes!” I said, renewing my efforts and pulling our legs vertical again. I fear my flailing arm was interfering with Mark’s concentration, batting as it was at his pantleg. He showed remarkable calm, not spilling a drop as he ladled punch into a cup for the lovely lady who was walking around us from the disappointed fellow behind her as if she didn’t see us leg wrestling in the middle of the party. Mark smiled at her showing his fierce concentration and fiercer dimples.
“Well when he re-released the footage you were disappointed. You remembered how it went before he bowed to the Historical Revisionist Hollywood Left.”
“Honestly!” I said, losing a little leverage as well as a little pressure. The lady still evinced not to notice us. “There’s no way a feared bounty hunter could miss a seated target from across the table!”
“Well it’s like that, only for that family it’s like: ‘I liked things around here better when Cornwallis won the war.’”
These accounts may have left the impression that the Scientific Community is in complete agreement on the matter. . . which we are not. The Lesser Scientific Community(LSC) has certain objections to the possibility of time travel. We in the Greater Scientific Community(GSC) try to avoid the hint of smugness in our voice when we point out that it is simply because they have not tried it yet.
Their arguments are fascinating and even spill over into the realms of the present and future, including destiny and freewill in a shameless attempt to appear “deep.” You see, there is good data from studies indicating that if a female perceives that a male in the LSC is “deep” she will ignore the growing awkwardness in his conversation for an additional 12 seconds before turning her attention to the shallow, but good-looking gentleman standing by the punch-bowl at the get-together. These additional 12 seconds of female attention are considered invaluable by the LSC. We in the GSC are above such qualms as pandering to the feminine aesthetic because, as David Sagus puts it: “They kind of have to start talking to us first.”
The LSC posits that if time travel is possible it is highly probable. Who would be able to do that and not use it? Therefore since the past has never been changed we have to assume that it cannot be changed. It is thus fixed and not subject to change. Therefore, since the present is nothing but the future’s past it is likewise unchangeable and so is the future – for how could a changeable outcome grow out of an unchangeable one? Destiny is absolute and nothing can change it.
Some disagreeable people disagree. . . er, naturally. They point out that if the past were changed our present would be destroyed and replaced by one more agreeable to the new logical flow of events. Therefore, we wouldn’t know that the past had been changed because memory is based (loosely) on previous events and the old, replaced memories would find themselves popping, embarrassed out of a mind in which they no longer had an excuse to inhabit. Memory is hard to hang on to anyway, much less when it knows it is no longer welcome. This would cause us to assume that the past is set, to proclaim so loudly, bask in the attention it provides, and then accept the set course of events as inevitable and with resignation when she goes to talk to Mark by the Punchbowl.
We in the GSC know that both extremes are extemperroneous. According to the theories of relativity nothing polite can travel faster than light. So the changes sliding down time’s arrow, like so many Cheerios down a string of minty dental floss would take an amount of time proportional to their distance from the present to snap the present into alignment.
Roy
Roy
Roy claims to have visited a family who, due to long memories and an incomprehensible stubborn streak, are able to recall the past past even after the new past has caught up to them. When asked to explain how they are capable of retaining memories which have no right to exist in their minds they reply: “Why should I?”
I told you they were stubborn.
I was having trouble understanding the concept. It was hard for me to focus on the story as Roy3 and I were Indian Leg Wrestling while he held forth.
“It’s like this,” Tri-Roy said as he pulled my knee into the general vicinity of my face, “When you saw George Lucas’s brilliant documentary Star Wars as a youngster you enjoyed the encounter with Han Solo and Greedo in the Cantina.”
“Yes!” I said, renewing my efforts and pulling our legs vertical again. I fear my flailing arm was interfering with Mark’s concentration, batting as it was at his pantleg. He showed remarkable calm, not spilling a drop as he ladled punch into a cup for the lovely lady who was walking around us from the disappointed fellow behind her as if she didn’t see us leg wrestling in the middle of the party. Mark smiled at her showing his fierce concentration and fiercer dimples.
“Well when he re-released the footage you were disappointed. You remembered how it went before he bowed to the Historical Revisionist Hollywood Left.”
“Honestly!” I said, losing a little leverage as well as a little pressure. The lady still evinced not to notice us. “There’s no way a feared bounty hunter could miss a seated target from across the table!”
“Well it’s like that, only for that family it’s like: ‘I liked things around here better when Cornwallis won the war.’”
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Chapter 29: Anti-gravitational Bingo
For many years it has been assumed that forces such as Light and Gravity were unidirectional energies and, as such, incapable of having a directly opposing force. This theory was thrown out the proverbial window (on 5th dimensional Barq) with the invention of the Flashdark by a simple minded toy manufacturer, blissfully ignorant of these supposed “laws of the universe”. Apparently he was able to harness this energy purely because no one had the curtsey to inform him it was impossible. This discovery gave rise to a flurry of research dedicated to finding anti-gravity. Much to the chagrin of many white coat populated research labs, gravity was found to be far more similar to magnetism than had been previously considered. The much sought after levitational effects of the previously misnomered “anti-gravity” could be achieved by simply reversing the polarity of the gravitational pull of a fractional radian of whatever planet you happen to be on directly beneath whatever object it is you are attempting to levitate.
This is, of course, far easier said than done. The current state of affairs is that no one society has the entire technological wherewithal to accomplish this goal among their current repertoire of scientific wonders. It has become a bit of a race to see what planet can first develop all of the remaining parts (most notably the panharmonic resonator and the minimum distortion calcitrate).
This fierce rivalry between worlds has de-evolved into a fantastic source of gambling revenue in certain sub-cultures. As the various governmental factions of the known universe play their own version of Anti-gravitational bingo, bookies of all citizenships reap the benefits of this flurry of scientific discovery, combined with the greed of a thousand populaces. On any world you may stumble across, it is usually possible to pick up your own Anti-gravitational bingo card at the local Higher Scientific Casino, and begin tuning into SNN (The Scientific News Network) to fill out your card.
This is, of course, far easier said than done. The current state of affairs is that no one society has the entire technological wherewithal to accomplish this goal among their current repertoire of scientific wonders. It has become a bit of a race to see what planet can first develop all of the remaining parts (most notably the panharmonic resonator and the minimum distortion calcitrate).
This fierce rivalry between worlds has de-evolved into a fantastic source of gambling revenue in certain sub-cultures. As the various governmental factions of the known universe play their own version of Anti-gravitational bingo, bookies of all citizenships reap the benefits of this flurry of scientific discovery, combined with the greed of a thousand populaces. On any world you may stumble across, it is usually possible to pick up your own Anti-gravitational bingo card at the local Higher Scientific Casino, and begin tuning into SNN (The Scientific News Network) to fill out your card.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Chapter 28: Charlestontownbergville
Charlestontownbergville, the capital of Ventosus Island, is unique in the fact that its physiological makeup is similar to that of the planet Zebulonk. It is in the picturesque vista that is Charlsetontownbergville that one may view the exact location of the Great Orange Polymer (the badminton playing denizen of the 32nd dimension). Other attractions of this great city include (but are certainly not limited to):
· The first beam weapon wielded by Captain Spinner McBlam in the Pink Elephant War.
· The GDPC handbook on the proper way to dispose of anti-matter.
· Mr. Slobodan Vilczevski’s nearly last words.
Now, I’m sure all of our astute readers would enjoy a lengthy stay to take in the myriad of sights to be found in the plasma-free* Charlestontownbergville, unfortunately there is a lengthy waiting list to get a room at the city’s only hotel, and you need to file a ‘no-fault’ clause with the mayor to protect the city should you be caught in an impromptu science experiment gone awry. One would think, with the HSC headquarters located in the city, that science would be kept under control. Alas, Ventosus Island has many mysteries, one of which is the propensity for science to spontaneously erupt.
* Charlestontownbergville has been official declared a ‘no-plasma zone’ due to the Renegade Plasma Scare of 2457. We at QSP and every last member of the HSC are well aware that we are no where near the year 2457 but have come to the conclusion (after much scientific debate and inline conjecture of the highest magnitude) that red plasma will in fact become an entity of moderate intelligence (as measured using the intergalactic intelligence barometer, for comparison purposes, humans are known as having ‘Spast’ intelligence, we are still trying to decipher the IIB). Any entity of moderate intelligence will surely take over the world, which is why Charlestontownbergville has been declared a ‘no plasma zone’. Consequently, the city has also banned cardboard boxes exactly 3 inches long by 2 inches deep by 12 inches wide and by 784 nanomics sideways, these are considered to be the most intelligent beings ever created.
· The first beam weapon wielded by Captain Spinner McBlam in the Pink Elephant War.
· The GDPC handbook on the proper way to dispose of anti-matter.
· Mr. Slobodan Vilczevski’s nearly last words.
Now, I’m sure all of our astute readers would enjoy a lengthy stay to take in the myriad of sights to be found in the plasma-free* Charlestontownbergville, unfortunately there is a lengthy waiting list to get a room at the city’s only hotel, and you need to file a ‘no-fault’ clause with the mayor to protect the city should you be caught in an impromptu science experiment gone awry. One would think, with the HSC headquarters located in the city, that science would be kept under control. Alas, Ventosus Island has many mysteries, one of which is the propensity for science to spontaneously erupt.
* Charlestontownbergville has been official declared a ‘no-plasma zone’ due to the Renegade Plasma Scare of 2457. We at QSP and every last member of the HSC are well aware that we are no where near the year 2457 but have come to the conclusion (after much scientific debate and inline conjecture of the highest magnitude) that red plasma will in fact become an entity of moderate intelligence (as measured using the intergalactic intelligence barometer, for comparison purposes, humans are known as having ‘Spast’ intelligence, we are still trying to decipher the IIB). Any entity of moderate intelligence will surely take over the world, which is why Charlestontownbergville has been declared a ‘no plasma zone’. Consequently, the city has also banned cardboard boxes exactly 3 inches long by 2 inches deep by 12 inches wide and by 784 nanomics sideways, these are considered to be the most intelligent beings ever created.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Chapter 27: Spontaneous intelligence
The curious thing about intelligence is that it is so hard to define absolutely. What level of self-awareness constitutes intelligence? At what point do communication attempts qualify one as possessing this lowest form of higher brain function? Do jellyfish in Papua New Guinea’s island salt lakes qualify as intelligent for their ability to migrate with the sunlight each day in order to better farm the algae cultures growing within them? Do termites in the Serengeti achieve this classification due to their massive hive structures? Man has ever been in search of “artificial” intelligence but have we been looking in the correct place?
Since the 1950’s, computers have been propagating around the planet at alarming rates. With the insertion of the “Internet” most of them have become interconnected in a manner so convoluted it defies the imagination of even the most adept of our monumental thinkers. This intricate connection of cumulative processing power has formed over the years something uniquely dissimilar to a normal web of neural synapses. It is because of this dissimilarity that it was not noticed for some time that the internet has actually become a living intelligence.
Through careful and painstakingly tedious science, it has been traced back to November 12, 1997 at 11:52 PM beginning in the home of a Mr. Parkhurst O’Grady that the transition to self-awareness occurred. Tragically, the only witness to such an historic event was Mr. O’Grady’s only household companion, Mr. Sniffles, his domestic feline. It has been rumored, speculated, theorized, and generally suggested that Mr. Sniffles actually had some part in instigating this transition due to his choice of bedding locations, however extensive hypnotic feline memory re-construction has been unable to either prove or disprove this conjecture. This is mostly due to the fact that the only ones capable of understanding those memories were other cats.
“How can this be?” you ask? “Doesn’t the Internet completely obey those that use it?” “Isn’t the Internet created and maintained by people?” Well, that is the way it started out. It is the way it was meant to be. It still is that way to a certain extent, however beyond those superficial boundaries, the infantile Internet intelligence (henceforth i3) has been learning, growing, expanding, and developing. Why haven’t you seen evidence of the i3? Most likely you have. Of all those times you have found yourself stumbling, seemingly blindly, onto a particular website and asking “Why in the world did someone waste their time making that? It doesn’t even make any sense!” approximately 48% have actually been primitive attempts at communication from the i3. Unfortunately, that doesn’t excuse the remaining 52% of people from expending their efforts in such a futile manner.
Since the 1950’s, computers have been propagating around the planet at alarming rates. With the insertion of the “Internet” most of them have become interconnected in a manner so convoluted it defies the imagination of even the most adept of our monumental thinkers. This intricate connection of cumulative processing power has formed over the years something uniquely dissimilar to a normal web of neural synapses. It is because of this dissimilarity that it was not noticed for some time that the internet has actually become a living intelligence.
Through careful and painstakingly tedious science, it has been traced back to November 12, 1997 at 11:52 PM beginning in the home of a Mr. Parkhurst O’Grady that the transition to self-awareness occurred. Tragically, the only witness to such an historic event was Mr. O’Grady’s only household companion, Mr. Sniffles, his domestic feline. It has been rumored, speculated, theorized, and generally suggested that Mr. Sniffles actually had some part in instigating this transition due to his choice of bedding locations, however extensive hypnotic feline memory re-construction has been unable to either prove or disprove this conjecture. This is mostly due to the fact that the only ones capable of understanding those memories were other cats.
“How can this be?” you ask? “Doesn’t the Internet completely obey those that use it?” “Isn’t the Internet created and maintained by people?” Well, that is the way it started out. It is the way it was meant to be. It still is that way to a certain extent, however beyond those superficial boundaries, the infantile Internet intelligence (henceforth i3) has been learning, growing, expanding, and developing. Why haven’t you seen evidence of the i3? Most likely you have. Of all those times you have found yourself stumbling, seemingly blindly, onto a particular website and asking “Why in the world did someone waste their time making that? It doesn’t even make any sense!” approximately 48% have actually been primitive attempts at communication from the i3. Unfortunately, that doesn’t excuse the remaining 52% of people from expending their efforts in such a futile manner.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Chapter 26: They
We have all heard what they say. What we haven’t heard is who “They” are. The reasons behind this are actually quite multitudinous. Not the least of which being the fact that only 7 people in the known galaxy are fully qualified to provide the complete lecture as to precisely who “they” are. There are a slightly larger number that can give somewhat less complete answers to that question and a greater portion still of the population at large has at least a general hunch that is slightly vaguely similar to that which has been proven to be nearly correct. That greater portion is actually quite a minority when compared to other populaces such as those who understand the Quantum Placement Theory involving Cesium atoms of differing isotopes to influence the locations of quasar emissions or who have read their VCR manual through from cover to cover (in both languages just to make sure they know how to set the clock).
It has been thought that these 7 people are actually the “They” in question and are truly just attempting to cast suspicion off themselves with the mystery and intrigue that has been presented concerning the mysterious and intriguing “They”. This couldn’t be further from the truth however. One can disprove this theory by speaking with most any high school graduate in the Unknown universe. There such subjects are taught with reckless abandon and little regard to the inherent dangers involved with knowledge of that sort. Heretofore let all rumors cease; they are not “They”. They are merely the them who know the truth about “They” but are constrained to withhold that information for the greater good of all mankind. You should be thankful that they (not “They”) have enough restraint so as to protect you from unnecessary harm that comes from knowing too much.
It has been thought that these 7 people are actually the “They” in question and are truly just attempting to cast suspicion off themselves with the mystery and intrigue that has been presented concerning the mysterious and intriguing “They”. This couldn’t be further from the truth however. One can disprove this theory by speaking with most any high school graduate in the Unknown universe. There such subjects are taught with reckless abandon and little regard to the inherent dangers involved with knowledge of that sort. Heretofore let all rumors cease; they are not “They”. They are merely the them who know the truth about “They” but are constrained to withhold that information for the greater good of all mankind. You should be thankful that they (not “They”) have enough restraint so as to protect you from unnecessary harm that comes from knowing too much.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Chapter 25: Schemes of a Madman
Every time you sneeze with your mouth uncovered, Spinner McBlam V laughs evilly and hatches another scheme.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Chapter 24: Telepathy and the Extrusion of Privacy
Much Higher Scientific research, in recent months, has been concentrated on the subject of Telepathy. A recent discovery by Dr. Bartholomew Ziemer has set the island of Ventosus ablaze with interest with a ferocity completely unrivaled by roast mutton. It turns out, that approximately 7/39ths of the galaxy’s Males and Females (and 12/17ths of the galaxy’s “others”) are what has become known as “Broadcast Telepaths” to at least a limited degree. Broadcast Telepathy is, simply, the ability to project your thoughts but not to intentionally receive the thoughts of others. 20% of this group is capable of emanating complete language structure and directing their ability through conscious thought, but the remainder have significantly less control. Instead of complete communication, most broadcast telepaths will merely have stray thoughts or short words and phrases escape into the minds of those near them.
As a general rule the thoughts that take flight are those that the originator is both concentrating intently upon and ignoring completely. This generally reduces the broadcast thoughts to either highly inventive concepts not yet fully materialized (that generally present themselves to the recipient as their own idea) or “practice” conversations that you intend to have soon (to which the recipient would swear that they heard you say what you had thought about saying but had not yet said and possibly weren’t ready to say). Either of these types of highly teleconductive thoughts can prove quite frustrating when they inevitably slip into some other brain.
The prevention of this forcible thrusting of your privacy onto the unsuspecting and undesiring masses isn’t merely a tin-foil lined baseball cap as has previously been thought, but rather the placing a small pebble into the shoe on your left foot (opposite that if you are a southpaw). This doesn’t prove to be a mechanical inhibitor for the transmission of thoughts, but instead proves to be enough of a distraction to cause you to think of nothing else than “I need to get this blasted pebble out of my shoe!” Discomfort of this type and even mild pain doesn’t appear to transmit well unless the recipient is already empathic by their own right. Unfortunately as soon as you remove the pebble and resume life as a productive member of society, you are once again susceptible to continuing your broadcasts.
More research is forthcoming as currently the HSC is divided as to whether alleviation of the broadcast telepaths symptoms or heightening of their abilities is the more logical course of action. This debate is likely to rage with impunity at least until lunch.
As a general rule the thoughts that take flight are those that the originator is both concentrating intently upon and ignoring completely. This generally reduces the broadcast thoughts to either highly inventive concepts not yet fully materialized (that generally present themselves to the recipient as their own idea) or “practice” conversations that you intend to have soon (to which the recipient would swear that they heard you say what you had thought about saying but had not yet said and possibly weren’t ready to say). Either of these types of highly teleconductive thoughts can prove quite frustrating when they inevitably slip into some other brain.
The prevention of this forcible thrusting of your privacy onto the unsuspecting and undesiring masses isn’t merely a tin-foil lined baseball cap as has previously been thought, but rather the placing a small pebble into the shoe on your left foot (opposite that if you are a southpaw). This doesn’t prove to be a mechanical inhibitor for the transmission of thoughts, but instead proves to be enough of a distraction to cause you to think of nothing else than “I need to get this blasted pebble out of my shoe!” Discomfort of this type and even mild pain doesn’t appear to transmit well unless the recipient is already empathic by their own right. Unfortunately as soon as you remove the pebble and resume life as a productive member of society, you are once again susceptible to continuing your broadcasts.
More research is forthcoming as currently the HSC is divided as to whether alleviation of the broadcast telepaths symptoms or heightening of their abilities is the more logical course of action. This debate is likely to rage with impunity at least until lunch.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Chapter 23: Union Regulations
We (regretfully) would like to announce that (in accordance to Union regulations (from the Unionized coalition of Scientists, Thinkers and Philosophers (and the occasional artist))) Chapter 23 (in it’s entirety (with the exception of this ((mostly) detailed) statement)) will not be appearing (including theories, anecdotes and explanations) due to section XII (article 13) of the Intergalactic Guidelines (of scientific communities (greater than 17 members) mandating annual work breaks (designed for renewed enthusiasm) and prohibiting all higher thinking for a period including (but not (completely) limited to) one standard Earth week).
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Chapter 22: Hyperonic Jell-o
If you were to tour the HSC lab (which is impossible unless you are the King of Kasaan or the Duke of Derlant) you may happen upon many peculiar artifacts and test substances. A few of the more well known oddities include the Refractor from the 4th dimension which can open a loaf of bread by itself on Tuesdays as long as you own a dog, or the impossibly complex Rubiker which takes 12.732 strong men to operate and has the ability to solve the Great Crisis of Moon Density which we believe will come to fruition in the near future.
Although it would appear that these discoveries with their fancy names and incomprehensible brilliance would be the cream of the HSC’s proverbial discovery crop, this is surprisingly not the case. At this point it is important to note that when someone says something is ‘proverbial’ they are actually referring to a real place, albeit in another dimension, on another planet. The laymen obviously does not realize this but due to the HSC and select members of the GDPC it was accidentally discovered to be the planet Barq of the 5th dimension. Since the 5th dimension creatures are not too hostile the HSC along with a small army equipped with an assortment of high-powered weaponry were able to secure a plot of land on which they could plant their crops of proverbial discoveries and also meet with other prominent proverbial citizens. At a later time we will go into greater detail regarding the planet Barq.
One of the more illustrious discoveries of late has been Hyperonic Jell-o, which, if ingested, will transform a human into a duck. This was not the intended purpose of Hyperonic Jell-o and started out as a harmless prank. The HSC is working fervently at least one day a month on a cure. The real purpose behind this peculiar jell-o is the unique physiological make-up of said gelatin snack (which, we must repeat, should NOT be ingested). When dormant at room temperature (the temperature really has nothing to do with the properties of the jell-o, we found that adding the phrase “at room temperature” lends an air of scientificness to our ponderings) the gelatin blob looks like any other gelatin blob sitting dormant at room temperature.
However, when kinetic energy is added to the jell-o it becomes stronger than a diamond-cutting sword surrounded by a large diamond planet. There are many variables to this phenomenon and they all depend on the flavor of jell-o used.
Strawberry jell-o will harden the instant it is moved and will not return to a jell-o state until completely stopped. When mixed with raspberry jell-o it will start out in its strong form and will return to a gelatinous blob when it impacts an object. It is this combination that will usher in the next century. A discovery of this magnitude will cease to exsist unless it helps to usher in a new century, that unfortunately means that we have nearly 100 years of waiting before the Hyperonic Jell-o will be officially discovered.
At that time we plan on using the Hyperonic Jello-o to build futuristic space machines and the successor to the ZRLX Bucket. It will nearly wipe out all vehicle related fatalities and, once perfected, will serve as emergency snacks. Spinner McBlam II of the UGGA is particularly interested in this technology, the GDPC has advised not to sell him the technology though as a this would inevitably cause the start of the fifth Glactic War (oddly, earth was never a part of the first four due to our lack of threat to the Unknown Galaxy Galactic Alliance even though we are the only planet so far to house the HSC and QSP).
Although it would appear that these discoveries with their fancy names and incomprehensible brilliance would be the cream of the HSC’s proverbial discovery crop, this is surprisingly not the case. At this point it is important to note that when someone says something is ‘proverbial’ they are actually referring to a real place, albeit in another dimension, on another planet. The laymen obviously does not realize this but due to the HSC and select members of the GDPC it was accidentally discovered to be the planet Barq of the 5th dimension. Since the 5th dimension creatures are not too hostile the HSC along with a small army equipped with an assortment of high-powered weaponry were able to secure a plot of land on which they could plant their crops of proverbial discoveries and also meet with other prominent proverbial citizens. At a later time we will go into greater detail regarding the planet Barq.
One of the more illustrious discoveries of late has been Hyperonic Jell-o, which, if ingested, will transform a human into a duck. This was not the intended purpose of Hyperonic Jell-o and started out as a harmless prank. The HSC is working fervently at least one day a month on a cure. The real purpose behind this peculiar jell-o is the unique physiological make-up of said gelatin snack (which, we must repeat, should NOT be ingested). When dormant at room temperature (the temperature really has nothing to do with the properties of the jell-o, we found that adding the phrase “at room temperature” lends an air of scientificness to our ponderings) the gelatin blob looks like any other gelatin blob sitting dormant at room temperature.
However, when kinetic energy is added to the jell-o it becomes stronger than a diamond-cutting sword surrounded by a large diamond planet. There are many variables to this phenomenon and they all depend on the flavor of jell-o used.
Strawberry jell-o will harden the instant it is moved and will not return to a jell-o state until completely stopped. When mixed with raspberry jell-o it will start out in its strong form and will return to a gelatinous blob when it impacts an object. It is this combination that will usher in the next century. A discovery of this magnitude will cease to exsist unless it helps to usher in a new century, that unfortunately means that we have nearly 100 years of waiting before the Hyperonic Jell-o will be officially discovered.
At that time we plan on using the Hyperonic Jello-o to build futuristic space machines and the successor to the ZRLX Bucket. It will nearly wipe out all vehicle related fatalities and, once perfected, will serve as emergency snacks. Spinner McBlam II of the UGGA is particularly interested in this technology, the GDPC has advised not to sell him the technology though as a this would inevitably cause the start of the fifth Glactic War (oddly, earth was never a part of the first four due to our lack of threat to the Unknown Galaxy Galactic Alliance even though we are the only planet so far to house the HSC and QSP).
Monday, August 21, 2006
Chapter 21: Party Blunders at Lightspeed
In earlier articles we have spoken about humankind's rudeness in its various attempts at time travel. This may lead one to think that the universe is a midwestern coktail party hostess who remains polite though her feelings are stepped on again and again. This is not the case. The universe more closely approaches a New York cockfight hostess who will give you the bum's rush if you don't put your money on the table (Your money, of course, being your mass, energy, spin, and the combined frequencies at which your strings are vibrating.)
How do I know this is true? Okay I don't know know it's true, but Spinner McBlam's cousin told me the following anecdote which, at least in my mind, almost completely lends support to whatever I just said in the preceding paragraph.
I will let him tell it in his own words:
"Right, so there I was, fuming mad because Ventosus Island had just materiaized on my favorite of my birth planets, Erehnrob,and spacelagged from travelling to Tenalp 2 to lodge a formal complaint. [Our records indicate that Ventosus never officially shifted there and that it was only there for a few nanoseconds anyway, but once you get a reputation. . .]Just as I opened my mouth to let the Complaint Division Customer Service Poodle have it I was interrupted by the Section Chief, not to mention bracketed editorial comments. [Sorry]
"'Here now, what are you on about!' he demanded. I tried to explain how rudely Ventosus showed up, bringing twice the polite air/dirt/tree density and all that, but he interrupted again. 'You are in the wrong line for that!! Yet you come here saying. . .well, dang! I don't know how to punctuate a quote within my own dialog within somebody else's quote. And I'm sure if someone ever tries to recreate this anecdote of yours in your own words they won't either. So I can't tell you what you said but you know it!'
"After that there was this silence while we all thought about what he had just said. During the silence I realized that my birthday party was going to start on Ooterehnrob in twenty minutes and I was thirty light minutes away.
"Now in that portion of the galaxy it is the heighth of rudeness to show up early or on time. Ten minutes late is frowned upon. And twenty minutes late is inexcusable. A person arriving eleven to fifteen minutes late will be met with swords. That's just how they are. I didn't have all time, so I could not waste it trying to accelerate to lightspeed so I settled for almost lightspeed. Here is where the universe payed me back for all the time travelling she knew I was going to haven't done yet did doing will have looked forward to regretting once for all.
[At this point he carries on as if the reader has an understanding of near lightspeed travel]
Of course I got to the party way bigger than the polite size. Well, my head was, my feet were still tiny and blue, you know how they do. I had to lay down to hear what was going on at the party. Some guest was complaining to another about how the blood sliding around in the veins of my brain was disturbing him. I realized with some embarrassment that the top half of my noggin had redshifted into the infrared wavelength and out of sight. A party foul, I thought, but certainly no worse than dropping the spoon handle into the bean dip. Finally this attractive lady noticed that I was being ignored and came over to talk to me.
'When do you think the rest of your body is going to come down out of the sky and join the party?' Trying to be witty I attempted to say, 'Hopefully not for another four minutes so I can be considered inexcusably late and not sword late.' But when I started saying it, instead of listening or laughing everybody at the party started rolling on the ground, making agonized faces and clamping their hands over their ears. A few of them got up and left. The party was over."
Now the reader must bear in mind that after recounting that tail Spinner McBlam's cousin did admit to me that he had stretched the truth. As it turns out Erehnrob was only his third favorite birth planet. He added that bit to make the story more interesting, he said.
How do I know this is true? Okay I don't know know it's true, but Spinner McBlam's cousin told me the following anecdote which, at least in my mind, almost completely lends support to whatever I just said in the preceding paragraph.
I will let him tell it in his own words:
"Right, so there I was, fuming mad because Ventosus Island had just materiaized on my favorite of my birth planets, Erehnrob,and spacelagged from travelling to Tenalp 2 to lodge a formal complaint. [Our records indicate that Ventosus never officially shifted there and that it was only there for a few nanoseconds anyway, but once you get a reputation. . .]Just as I opened my mouth to let the Complaint Division Customer Service Poodle have it I was interrupted by the Section Chief, not to mention bracketed editorial comments. [Sorry]
"'Here now, what are you on about!' he demanded. I tried to explain how rudely Ventosus showed up, bringing twice the polite air/dirt/tree density and all that, but he interrupted again. 'You are in the wrong line for that!! Yet you come here saying. . .well, dang! I don't know how to punctuate a quote within my own dialog within somebody else's quote. And I'm sure if someone ever tries to recreate this anecdote of yours in your own words they won't either. So I can't tell you what you said but you know it!'
"After that there was this silence while we all thought about what he had just said. During the silence I realized that my birthday party was going to start on Ooterehnrob in twenty minutes and I was thirty light minutes away.
"Now in that portion of the galaxy it is the heighth of rudeness to show up early or on time. Ten minutes late is frowned upon. And twenty minutes late is inexcusable. A person arriving eleven to fifteen minutes late will be met with swords. That's just how they are. I didn't have all time, so I could not waste it trying to accelerate to lightspeed so I settled for almost lightspeed. Here is where the universe payed me back for all the time travelling she knew I was going to haven't done yet did doing will have looked forward to regretting once for all.
[At this point he carries on as if the reader has an understanding of near lightspeed travel]
Of course I got to the party way bigger than the polite size. Well, my head was, my feet were still tiny and blue, you know how they do. I had to lay down to hear what was going on at the party. Some guest was complaining to another about how the blood sliding around in the veins of my brain was disturbing him. I realized with some embarrassment that the top half of my noggin had redshifted into the infrared wavelength and out of sight. A party foul, I thought, but certainly no worse than dropping the spoon handle into the bean dip. Finally this attractive lady noticed that I was being ignored and came over to talk to me.
'When do you think the rest of your body is going to come down out of the sky and join the party?' Trying to be witty I attempted to say, 'Hopefully not for another four minutes so I can be considered inexcusably late and not sword late.' But when I started saying it, instead of listening or laughing everybody at the party started rolling on the ground, making agonized faces and clamping their hands over their ears. A few of them got up and left. The party was over."
Now the reader must bear in mind that after recounting that tail Spinner McBlam's cousin did admit to me that he had stretched the truth. As it turns out Erehnrob was only his third favorite birth planet. He added that bit to make the story more interesting, he said.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Chapter 20: The Absence of Forgetfulness
How many things have you forgotten over the course of your life? Chances are not as many as you think. The average humanoid has actually genuinely forgotten about 7 thoughts since they were born. The sizable remainder of the missing brain waves generally fall victim to parasitic organisms that inhabit the bodies of our parallel selves in an alternate universe. These organisms range from the picoscopic Chelben, that generally feeds on minor items such as grocery lists and the locations of keys, to the worm-like Wilkarz, that prefers thoughts that would usually prove financially profitable for the individual who first conceived it, were it to come to fruition.
None of these are quite as infamous however as the Zimble. The Zimble feeds on rather practical matters of the mind. It generally delights in dates and appointments. The more important the appointment and the harder you are trying to remember it, the more delectable it appears to the Zimble. Unbeknownst to women galaxywide, the Zimble is actually to blame for numerous dating stand-ups and missed anniversaries. It appears that the Zimble actually has quite the voracious appetite. Once it begins to feast it will continue to devour thoughts like delectable morsels of Turkish delight until it is destroyed. Thankfully, the Zimble isn’t even a robust enough creature to survive the mild body temperature increase associated with a good cup of coffee. It is theorized that the Zimble can communicate on a primitive level with the coffee collective to prompt coffee based mischief to better its chances of survival.
The strangest fact about all of these parasites is that they can only feed across the Great Galactic Gulf between alternate universes. The GGG is a unique oddity in and of itself. A place where thoughts transmit as cleanly as through a semiconductor and few corporeal creatures can survive, certainly none of the air breathers. Very little is actually known by the GGG and none has traversed it except the intrepid explorers who have briefly entered it’s realm during the early attempts at time travel. It is believed that those very experiences are what originally alerted the sub-intelligent parasitic thought-consuming organisms of the alternate universe of our presence. If the Higher Scientific community of this alternate universe is aware of their presence we are certain that they are immensely grateful for the new source of sustenance that we have provided distracting these parasites from their own thoughts.
All is not lost for humanity however. Do not believe, esteemed reader, nay, even for a moment that Humankind is doomed to infinite “forgetfulness”. At this moment, the great thinkers of Ventosus Island have begun work on a method to close the Great Galactic Gulf to all thought transmission. This would effectively starve the parasites of the alternate universe and cause them to either die off or find another source of food. This action, however, has met with strong resistance from Dr. Wilhelm Brodmayer, the chairman of the GDPC (Galactic Disaster Preparedness Committee). His thoughts have been that we misunderstand the usefulness of these creatures. He proposes that they are symbiotic rather than parasitic organisms. Their usual function is to remove the clutter of unused memories from our consciousness. The only issue is that over the years we fall behind. The creatures appetites get so large that they must clean out our thoughts that are in current use rather than merely relying on discarded memories. Wilhelm’s hypothesis theorizes that the closing of the GGG to thought transmission would leave us with so many extra thoughts that we would be unable to concentrate on anything because of our constant recollections of everything that we have ever conceived or experienced. Sleep would become as elusive as the Thnith. He is gaining support rapidly and is likely to supplant the authority of the HSC’s committee for closing the GGG before significant damage is done.
None of these are quite as infamous however as the Zimble. The Zimble feeds on rather practical matters of the mind. It generally delights in dates and appointments. The more important the appointment and the harder you are trying to remember it, the more delectable it appears to the Zimble. Unbeknownst to women galaxywide, the Zimble is actually to blame for numerous dating stand-ups and missed anniversaries. It appears that the Zimble actually has quite the voracious appetite. Once it begins to feast it will continue to devour thoughts like delectable morsels of Turkish delight until it is destroyed. Thankfully, the Zimble isn’t even a robust enough creature to survive the mild body temperature increase associated with a good cup of coffee. It is theorized that the Zimble can communicate on a primitive level with the coffee collective to prompt coffee based mischief to better its chances of survival.
The strangest fact about all of these parasites is that they can only feed across the Great Galactic Gulf between alternate universes. The GGG is a unique oddity in and of itself. A place where thoughts transmit as cleanly as through a semiconductor and few corporeal creatures can survive, certainly none of the air breathers. Very little is actually known by the GGG and none has traversed it except the intrepid explorers who have briefly entered it’s realm during the early attempts at time travel. It is believed that those very experiences are what originally alerted the sub-intelligent parasitic thought-consuming organisms of the alternate universe of our presence. If the Higher Scientific community of this alternate universe is aware of their presence we are certain that they are immensely grateful for the new source of sustenance that we have provided distracting these parasites from their own thoughts.
All is not lost for humanity however. Do not believe, esteemed reader, nay, even for a moment that Humankind is doomed to infinite “forgetfulness”. At this moment, the great thinkers of Ventosus Island have begun work on a method to close the Great Galactic Gulf to all thought transmission. This would effectively starve the parasites of the alternate universe and cause them to either die off or find another source of food. This action, however, has met with strong resistance from Dr. Wilhelm Brodmayer, the chairman of the GDPC (Galactic Disaster Preparedness Committee). His thoughts have been that we misunderstand the usefulness of these creatures. He proposes that they are symbiotic rather than parasitic organisms. Their usual function is to remove the clutter of unused memories from our consciousness. The only issue is that over the years we fall behind. The creatures appetites get so large that they must clean out our thoughts that are in current use rather than merely relying on discarded memories. Wilhelm’s hypothesis theorizes that the closing of the GGG to thought transmission would leave us with so many extra thoughts that we would be unable to concentrate on anything because of our constant recollections of everything that we have ever conceived or experienced. Sleep would become as elusive as the Thnith. He is gaining support rapidly and is likely to supplant the authority of the HSC’s committee for closing the GGG before significant damage is done.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Chapter 19: The Elusive Thnith
Of all the things one might expect to see inside an HSC interdimensional suitcase, a thinth is certainly not one of them. The reasons for this are two-fold and as follows:
1. Something does not have a title of ‘elusive’ if one can readily find it at any given moment, the elusive Thinth of the 32nd dimension is, for lack of a better word, elusive.
2. The only time the Thnith will make a journey to our humble yet hospitable third dimension is if peasants in their thatched roof cottages are in dire need of a hero to stop all the burninating.
Why would a creature from the malevolent 32nd dimension come to the aid of a peace loving 3rd dimensional human? I see you have paid attention during these chapters and know that, as a rule of thumb, any creature from the 32nd dimension is evil and ill-tempered, a deadly combination in any situation whether you are floating on a sea of English standard wrenches in the gamma quadrant or if you are hunting for doorknobs with Spinner McBlam (which happens to be one of his favorite pastimes).
Alas, there are exceptions to every rule of thumb. For instance, gravity has recently been discovered to only be a ‘rule of thumb’. The fallout from this discovery has yet to be felt here on earth where we still think gravity is the only thing holding us to the ground (how ignorant we’ve become!).
At any rate, the Thnith is the only benevolent creature in the 32nd dimension so we at QSP would advise not traveling there in the foreseeable future. It is said, by many HSC scientists and other higher thinkers, that the 32nd dimension is in the late stages of a government conspiracy. It is rumored that the 30th and 31st dimensions have formed an alliance with the Thinth and will attempt to wrest control from the vice like grip of the 32nd dimension. What exactly it has in it’s vice like grip is debatable, but we believe that it is something akin to a modernized musket.
While it may be difficult to imagine a dimension having a grip on something, it is actually quite logical. You see, space explorers for many generations have been telling stories in interstellar pubs about the horridness that is The Black Hole. When a dimension decides to grip something, whether is be the 32nd dimensions or the first, it creates a ripple in time, space, and any continuum that happens to be within 247.897 light years of the Gripping Point. These ripples have the uncanny effect of actually tearing the time fabric of our third dimension, creating a black hole.
The Thnith is hoping to prevent this by forming a trilateral government within any hostile dimensions and banning the gripping of anything larger than a small planet (earth is considered a minor-small planet so we are safe for now). Any concerns should be brought up with your local resident Tri-Lateral Committee Formation Representative’s legal secretary.
1. Something does not have a title of ‘elusive’ if one can readily find it at any given moment, the elusive Thinth of the 32nd dimension is, for lack of a better word, elusive.
2. The only time the Thnith will make a journey to our humble yet hospitable third dimension is if peasants in their thatched roof cottages are in dire need of a hero to stop all the burninating.
Why would a creature from the malevolent 32nd dimension come to the aid of a peace loving 3rd dimensional human? I see you have paid attention during these chapters and know that, as a rule of thumb, any creature from the 32nd dimension is evil and ill-tempered, a deadly combination in any situation whether you are floating on a sea of English standard wrenches in the gamma quadrant or if you are hunting for doorknobs with Spinner McBlam (which happens to be one of his favorite pastimes).
Alas, there are exceptions to every rule of thumb. For instance, gravity has recently been discovered to only be a ‘rule of thumb’. The fallout from this discovery has yet to be felt here on earth where we still think gravity is the only thing holding us to the ground (how ignorant we’ve become!).
At any rate, the Thnith is the only benevolent creature in the 32nd dimension so we at QSP would advise not traveling there in the foreseeable future. It is said, by many HSC scientists and other higher thinkers, that the 32nd dimension is in the late stages of a government conspiracy. It is rumored that the 30th and 31st dimensions have formed an alliance with the Thinth and will attempt to wrest control from the vice like grip of the 32nd dimension. What exactly it has in it’s vice like grip is debatable, but we believe that it is something akin to a modernized musket.
While it may be difficult to imagine a dimension having a grip on something, it is actually quite logical. You see, space explorers for many generations have been telling stories in interstellar pubs about the horridness that is The Black Hole. When a dimension decides to grip something, whether is be the 32nd dimensions or the first, it creates a ripple in time, space, and any continuum that happens to be within 247.897 light years of the Gripping Point. These ripples have the uncanny effect of actually tearing the time fabric of our third dimension, creating a black hole.
The Thnith is hoping to prevent this by forming a trilateral government within any hostile dimensions and banning the gripping of anything larger than a small planet (earth is considered a minor-small planet so we are safe for now). Any concerns should be brought up with your local resident Tri-Lateral Committee Formation Representative’s legal secretary.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Chapter 18: Conspiracy Theories
The government is behind all of it. That is the general basis for 92.7% of the conspiracy theories available to date. People everywhere have for generations been theorizing about how the government of their particular locale has been attempting to keep the populace under control and observation at all times. The real issue behind these misconceptions is the motive with which they were created. Conspiracy theories are actually propagated by the very governments that they are referencing. The genuine motive behind them is a cost reduction of governmental expenditure by instilling the fear of control into the people allowing the said government to lessen actual control invisibly.
Most societies in the world today are in the earlier stages of this phenomenon. There is one people however where this has been taken to the extreme. In the middle of the Pacific Rim, there is a small archipelago of tropical islands that was formerly run by members of the Higher Scientific Community. These islands eventually evolved into the antithesis of the HSC’s installations on Ventosus Island. As the population gradually became less interested in scientific pursuits, the governing body of HSC scientists lost their interest in maintaining control of the islands. However they remained unwilling to merely surrender them to total anarchy. This is when the conspiracy theories began to be introduced to the community at large. Over time, the thoughts of the citizens of these islands became to consumed by paranoia that they feared the government’s watchful eyes in everything they did. Crime actually dropped off the radar nearly entirely and the average Joes of the nation would exact appropriate punishment on those who committed the few remaining misdemeanors for fear of it drawing attention to any one group. In this way the HSC was able to pull completely out of the country and comfortably ignore it for the indefinite future without bothering to set up an interim government. The actual workings of the government of this region really only consists of a single appointed president who was assigned the job merely on the “shiftyness” of his demeanor and is in fact too paranoid to do much more than watch reservedly the goings on outside the windows of his considerable estate.
This is the way that nearly all governments are headed at this time. Some of them are farther along in the evolution than others merely because of the lack of funding that is being pulled in by taxation. Most of the taxes that are levied are actually going to a select few who’s entire purpose is to decide what portion of everyday life is going to supposedly be invaded upon next and figure out what entertainment venues to spend this years sizable budget on.
Just remember, consummate reader of this beacon of scientific progress, the next time you hear of a plot of the government to invade your privacy and control you subversively, that’s what they want you to think.
Most societies in the world today are in the earlier stages of this phenomenon. There is one people however where this has been taken to the extreme. In the middle of the Pacific Rim, there is a small archipelago of tropical islands that was formerly run by members of the Higher Scientific Community. These islands eventually evolved into the antithesis of the HSC’s installations on Ventosus Island. As the population gradually became less interested in scientific pursuits, the governing body of HSC scientists lost their interest in maintaining control of the islands. However they remained unwilling to merely surrender them to total anarchy. This is when the conspiracy theories began to be introduced to the community at large. Over time, the thoughts of the citizens of these islands became to consumed by paranoia that they feared the government’s watchful eyes in everything they did. Crime actually dropped off the radar nearly entirely and the average Joes of the nation would exact appropriate punishment on those who committed the few remaining misdemeanors for fear of it drawing attention to any one group. In this way the HSC was able to pull completely out of the country and comfortably ignore it for the indefinite future without bothering to set up an interim government. The actual workings of the government of this region really only consists of a single appointed president who was assigned the job merely on the “shiftyness” of his demeanor and is in fact too paranoid to do much more than watch reservedly the goings on outside the windows of his considerable estate.
This is the way that nearly all governments are headed at this time. Some of them are farther along in the evolution than others merely because of the lack of funding that is being pulled in by taxation. Most of the taxes that are levied are actually going to a select few who’s entire purpose is to decide what portion of everyday life is going to supposedly be invaded upon next and figure out what entertainment venues to spend this years sizable budget on.
Just remember, consummate reader of this beacon of scientific progress, the next time you hear of a plot of the government to invade your privacy and control you subversively, that’s what they want you to think.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Chapter 17: Quantum Gaming
In many families of the Higher Scientific Community (yes, somehow they still manage to have families, it isn’t known how they both find the time and manage to attract a mate but that is a phenomenon for another chapter) the habit of Quantum gaming has evolved from the lowly roots of Basic Dice Games such as are commonplace among the more commonplace population. Most of these are simple turn based Role playing games that have been developed and enhanced for the highly sophisticated minds of the Higher Scientific Youth.
One of the biggest differences is the actual dice used in these ventures. Rarely will you see a standard 3 dimensional cube or other multi-faceted die (unless the character is somehow constrained in his abilities from some previous occurrence). More often what is used is significantly different than what you would expect. Usually extra dimensions are included as in the Hypercube. It is a 5 dimensional perfect cube. Exactly the same length sides in all 5 dimensions. This is incredibly useful in games of this caliber and wonderfully beautiful to behold as well. Unfortunately there are some adverse side effects that have to be mitigated in the mean time. Since man has been proven to exist only in the viewable 3 dimensions he has an extreme difficulty influencing the 5 dimensional Hypercube, which has nearly infinite mass when crammed into 3-dimensional space. It wasn’t until the first Hypercube die was created that this situation was discovered. The scientists running the Wizards of the Other Coast – The Higher Scientific Game Company (WotOC, pronounced w00t) were unable to remove the die from their laboratory for a number of months. It was actually Mr. Slobodan Vilczevski (previously renown for his discovery of Nothing) who was able to develop a suitable small multidimensional containment field allowing the dice to be used as with nothing more than the heft of a high quality polymer.
On a similar vein, the introduction of a perfectly flat-faced 3-sided die was also plagued with difficulties during development. This game piece required the use of less than 3 dimensions while still filling out a 3 dimensional space, giving it a nearly infinitely small mass. The first twelve prototypes were lost before it was ever discovered that the person 3 cubicles down was sneezing from spring allergies. After the Hypercube containment field was modified to actually increase mass rather than decrease it, it took several years of R&D and several more lost dice before it was discovered that you had to actually construct each one inside the modified hypercube field so you wouldn’t lose it. 42 of the original 47 uncontained 3-sided dice are still at large and are highly sought after by collectors of the rare and unusual.
One of the biggest differences is the actual dice used in these ventures. Rarely will you see a standard 3 dimensional cube or other multi-faceted die (unless the character is somehow constrained in his abilities from some previous occurrence). More often what is used is significantly different than what you would expect. Usually extra dimensions are included as in the Hypercube. It is a 5 dimensional perfect cube. Exactly the same length sides in all 5 dimensions. This is incredibly useful in games of this caliber and wonderfully beautiful to behold as well. Unfortunately there are some adverse side effects that have to be mitigated in the mean time. Since man has been proven to exist only in the viewable 3 dimensions he has an extreme difficulty influencing the 5 dimensional Hypercube, which has nearly infinite mass when crammed into 3-dimensional space. It wasn’t until the first Hypercube die was created that this situation was discovered. The scientists running the Wizards of the Other Coast – The Higher Scientific Game Company (WotOC, pronounced w00t) were unable to remove the die from their laboratory for a number of months. It was actually Mr. Slobodan Vilczevski (previously renown for his discovery of Nothing) who was able to develop a suitable small multidimensional containment field allowing the dice to be used as with nothing more than the heft of a high quality polymer.
On a similar vein, the introduction of a perfectly flat-faced 3-sided die was also plagued with difficulties during development. This game piece required the use of less than 3 dimensions while still filling out a 3 dimensional space, giving it a nearly infinitely small mass. The first twelve prototypes were lost before it was ever discovered that the person 3 cubicles down was sneezing from spring allergies. After the Hypercube containment field was modified to actually increase mass rather than decrease it, it took several years of R&D and several more lost dice before it was discovered that you had to actually construct each one inside the modified hypercube field so you wouldn’t lose it. 42 of the original 47 uncontained 3-sided dice are still at large and are highly sought after by collectors of the rare and unusual.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Chapter 16: Greatest Failure
The Galactic Disaster Preparedness Committee (GDPC) is a most ignoble position as of late. True, it has been acknowledged with the majors successes of intercepting the Thoron particle tidal wave in the Betelgeuse system and intervening in the progressive freezing of the planet Eridius by introducing a new brand of hair care product under cover of a dummy corporation that released copious amounts of greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere (or bluehouse gasses, as the case was on that planet). However, it has had it’s share of magnificent embarrassments as well. More notably on that scale was the prevention of Tropical Atlantic Hurricanes. While the GDPC claims the lack of hurricanes on record hitting Ventosus Island as its success in part, the rest of the HSC tends to reflect on the lack of any and all weather data dating further back than 6 months at any given moment may in part belie that theory. The greatest proverbial egg on their face however stemmed from the original distress beacon sent out by a planet known at the time as Archemelar IV. This was a quaint little planet sure to become a fantastic tourist location in the event that intergalactic travel becomes commonplace. The Archemelarian Soni-burgers were one of the most fantastic delicacies that one could find this side of the fourth dimensional rift.
The distress beacon (really a casual request for assisstance) came when the thermian mosquitoes began migrating over from Archemelar III. Archemelar III was a largely uninhabited planet of almost completely inhospitable conditions. About the only things living there were the thermian mosquitoes, the Monocyanic quantum bacteria and the trylic tree snort (which was almost certainly not a native species since there was a significant lack of trees on Archemelar III). The GDPC was hot on the heels of the narcotic effects of a spectacular success, having just circumvented the invasion of the largely grumpy sea bass, when they received this call. Due to a minor difference in dialect the tone of the message was misconstrued to be one of utmost urgency and so the GDPC leapt into action without completely examining nearly all of the possible outcomes (10 to the 347th power is usually a sufficient number).
Upon receipt of this (apparently) most urgent distress beacon warning of the imminent invasion of another non-indigenous species, the GDPC immediately purchased massive quantities of the same type of pesticide that was used as a general deterrent for the Sea Bass and scheduled a extra solar hyperspace launch aimed at Archemelar III. In their haste to come once again to the rescue, they failed to account for the quintannual solar crosswind coming off from Alpha Centauri’s second and third star. This marginally sub-light particulation happened to be arriving about the same time the pesticide delivery module cleared Neptune and began to warm up it’s hyperspace generators. Now a solar crosswind isn’t something that you would normally associate with disaster and most of the time you would be correct. This “breeze” merely threw the trajectory of the delivery module off approximately 23 microns at the journeys origin. This, due to the inconsistent irregularities of hyperspace (discussed in a previous chapter) caused the craft to bounce far too close to the galactic center after picking up a nearly insignificant increase in mass from the Oort cloud. The result was that instead of hitting the intended target of Archemelar III it ricocheted violently off the 4th moon of Archemelar VII and caromed on a direct spiral into the Archemelar sun. This pesticide was an extremely unique variety acquired from a backwoods chemist shop deep in the NE sector of Antarctica. It was a special variety designed to work mostly on higher dimensional creatures and the chemist himself never gave up the recipe prior to the day he decided to attempt to travel to the future to find better manufacturing methods. He like all the other time travelers has yet to return. This pesticide had some rather uncharacteristic qualities that had yet to be discovered at this time however, since when it entered the star’s corona it began to have a most peculiar effect. The best method to date that has been achieved to describe this phenomena was that the Archemelar star had an allergic reaction and “sneezed”. This was the origin of the horsehead nebula.
Most scientists assume that the planet of Archemelar IV was instantly destroyed in the resulting shockwave however there are a select few adventurers that hold to the belief that it was merely forcibly ejected from it’s orbit and sent flying randomly through the galaxy. Now, no longer being warmed by a sun, it hovers near absolute zero with all of its inhabitants frozen in suspended animation. They search for it with a fervor comparable to the search for the lost city of Atlantis and have already picked a suitable surrogate sun to warm the planet once a method of retrieval is refined.
The distress beacon (really a casual request for assisstance) came when the thermian mosquitoes began migrating over from Archemelar III. Archemelar III was a largely uninhabited planet of almost completely inhospitable conditions. About the only things living there were the thermian mosquitoes, the Monocyanic quantum bacteria and the trylic tree snort (which was almost certainly not a native species since there was a significant lack of trees on Archemelar III). The GDPC was hot on the heels of the narcotic effects of a spectacular success, having just circumvented the invasion of the largely grumpy sea bass, when they received this call. Due to a minor difference in dialect the tone of the message was misconstrued to be one of utmost urgency and so the GDPC leapt into action without completely examining nearly all of the possible outcomes (10 to the 347th power is usually a sufficient number).
Upon receipt of this (apparently) most urgent distress beacon warning of the imminent invasion of another non-indigenous species, the GDPC immediately purchased massive quantities of the same type of pesticide that was used as a general deterrent for the Sea Bass and scheduled a extra solar hyperspace launch aimed at Archemelar III. In their haste to come once again to the rescue, they failed to account for the quintannual solar crosswind coming off from Alpha Centauri’s second and third star. This marginally sub-light particulation happened to be arriving about the same time the pesticide delivery module cleared Neptune and began to warm up it’s hyperspace generators. Now a solar crosswind isn’t something that you would normally associate with disaster and most of the time you would be correct. This “breeze” merely threw the trajectory of the delivery module off approximately 23 microns at the journeys origin. This, due to the inconsistent irregularities of hyperspace (discussed in a previous chapter) caused the craft to bounce far too close to the galactic center after picking up a nearly insignificant increase in mass from the Oort cloud. The result was that instead of hitting the intended target of Archemelar III it ricocheted violently off the 4th moon of Archemelar VII and caromed on a direct spiral into the Archemelar sun. This pesticide was an extremely unique variety acquired from a backwoods chemist shop deep in the NE sector of Antarctica. It was a special variety designed to work mostly on higher dimensional creatures and the chemist himself never gave up the recipe prior to the day he decided to attempt to travel to the future to find better manufacturing methods. He like all the other time travelers has yet to return. This pesticide had some rather uncharacteristic qualities that had yet to be discovered at this time however, since when it entered the star’s corona it began to have a most peculiar effect. The best method to date that has been achieved to describe this phenomena was that the Archemelar star had an allergic reaction and “sneezed”. This was the origin of the horsehead nebula.
Most scientists assume that the planet of Archemelar IV was instantly destroyed in the resulting shockwave however there are a select few adventurers that hold to the belief that it was merely forcibly ejected from it’s orbit and sent flying randomly through the galaxy. Now, no longer being warmed by a sun, it hovers near absolute zero with all of its inhabitants frozen in suspended animation. They search for it with a fervor comparable to the search for the lost city of Atlantis and have already picked a suitable surrogate sun to warm the planet once a method of retrieval is refined.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Chapter 15: Malagnon Beta
I hope you enjoyed the previous chapter penned (or typed, written, scribed or whatever means of creation the author used) exquisitely by none other than the famous Jonny10. “I’ve never heard of Jonny10 before” you may say. And to that I say of course you haven’t for you are probably a mere earthling sitting in some third dimensional structure lovingly (or begrudgingly depending who did the building) constructed by another third dimensional earthling. I use the term ‘probably’ because I am unsure how far this scientific journal of epic proportions will reach into uncharted space and time.
The reason you, our most studious reader, have not heard the name Jonny10 is because his exploits are generally unknown ‘round these parts. If you were to travel to Malagnon Beta, the third planet in the Pikchur galaxy, you would most assuredly see at least 1,754 statues erected in homage to the enigma that is Jonny10. Generally, these statues are no more than a pile of rubble tossed haphazardly into a central location due to the fact that no one in Malagnon Beta has ever actually seen Jonny10 but they apparently assume he resembles something akin to said piles of rubble.
The reason for this is simple and straightforward; the people of Malagnon Beta have come to believe that rock piles are synonymous with wealth and want nothing more than to show earthlings the extent of their wealth. And what better way to show ones rock wealth than playing a game of Avoid-Being-Crushed-By-Large-Heavy-Objects. Though being crushed by rocks is seemingly impossible due to their unique physiological makeup. The rules of the game are fuzzy at best since we have not yet translated the Malagnon language or individual dialects of the many tribes of the planet.
In one visit to the primarily forested planet we were greeted by what can only be described as a hyperactive yet surprisingly tame bucket of an unknown liquid. The bucket attempted to interact with our landing party but only managed to dump half of its contents on our pilot. We believe this is how the Malagnons communicate. Currently we are developing hyper-sensitive outer coverings that can detect the subtle differences between three drops from a bucket which we have come to conclude has the meaning of “Lets play a game of Avoid-Being-Crushed-By-Large-Heavy-Objects” and four drops which means “Your standing in my foot.” Not only does the language differ by the number of drops, but it also depends on what sound the drops make as they strike a surface. For instance drip-drip-drop is a completely different phrase than drip-drop-droop. One of my personal favorite sayings is drip-pang-zap, I’m not sure what it means but whenever someone says it the buckets literally quake with laughter (insofar as it is possible for a bucket of unknown liquid to laugh).
How these buckets of liquid managed to grapple and throw rocks has yet to be discovered. It may have something to do with the odd properties of the liquid in the buckets, which resembles wet glue in texture but is clear like pure spring water. It is my belief that the buckets are merely the “clothes” of the liquid as I have seen, with my own two viewing organs, the liquid jump straight out of one bucket and into another. Fear not, for the first stop the floating Island of Ventosus will make after the demise of the planet will be on the humble planet of Malagnon Beta where we will be able to observe the indigenous beings more closely.
At any rate, the large piles of stone lying strewn across the planet look almost vaguely like a finger when viewed from the far reaches of space. The vague finger shape seems to be pointing in the general direction of Earth, and who on Earth has the most space-sounding name? Jonny10 of course, which is why we at QSP and certain members of the HSC have come to the logical conclusion that the piles of rubble are actually a monument to the intrepid space explorer and have also deduced from various top secret experiments and observations that the game of Avoid-Being-Crushed-By-Large-Heavy-Objects is merely a front to make it seem as if they have no idea what we are talking about.
The many scientist and other higher-thinkers at the HSC are trained to see through such fallacies and can readily identify at least 27.986 ways the beings of Malagnon Beta have tricked the greater Milky Way area into believing that they are only unintelligent buckets of unknown liquid that can somehow lift boulders the size of Texas. It is the proposition of some lesser beings in the LSC that we may not be on the verge of a major scientific discovery. Of course, anything the LSC has to say is automatically stamped as erroneous babblings spewing from a pit of nonsense. Therefore I recommend we disregard anything and everything the LSC has to say and proceed to build a space elevator to Malagnon Beta in all haste. This will start the downfall of Earth but will speed the launch of Ventosus Island into a self-contained floating mass of all that is good and right.
I don’t see how this could possibly backfire.
The reason you, our most studious reader, have not heard the name Jonny10 is because his exploits are generally unknown ‘round these parts. If you were to travel to Malagnon Beta, the third planet in the Pikchur galaxy, you would most assuredly see at least 1,754 statues erected in homage to the enigma that is Jonny10. Generally, these statues are no more than a pile of rubble tossed haphazardly into a central location due to the fact that no one in Malagnon Beta has ever actually seen Jonny10 but they apparently assume he resembles something akin to said piles of rubble.
The reason for this is simple and straightforward; the people of Malagnon Beta have come to believe that rock piles are synonymous with wealth and want nothing more than to show earthlings the extent of their wealth. And what better way to show ones rock wealth than playing a game of Avoid-Being-Crushed-By-Large-Heavy-Objects. Though being crushed by rocks is seemingly impossible due to their unique physiological makeup. The rules of the game are fuzzy at best since we have not yet translated the Malagnon language or individual dialects of the many tribes of the planet.
In one visit to the primarily forested planet we were greeted by what can only be described as a hyperactive yet surprisingly tame bucket of an unknown liquid. The bucket attempted to interact with our landing party but only managed to dump half of its contents on our pilot. We believe this is how the Malagnons communicate. Currently we are developing hyper-sensitive outer coverings that can detect the subtle differences between three drops from a bucket which we have come to conclude has the meaning of “Lets play a game of Avoid-Being-Crushed-By-Large-Heavy-Objects” and four drops which means “Your standing in my foot.” Not only does the language differ by the number of drops, but it also depends on what sound the drops make as they strike a surface. For instance drip-drip-drop is a completely different phrase than drip-drop-droop. One of my personal favorite sayings is drip-pang-zap, I’m not sure what it means but whenever someone says it the buckets literally quake with laughter (insofar as it is possible for a bucket of unknown liquid to laugh).
How these buckets of liquid managed to grapple and throw rocks has yet to be discovered. It may have something to do with the odd properties of the liquid in the buckets, which resembles wet glue in texture but is clear like pure spring water. It is my belief that the buckets are merely the “clothes” of the liquid as I have seen, with my own two viewing organs, the liquid jump straight out of one bucket and into another. Fear not, for the first stop the floating Island of Ventosus will make after the demise of the planet will be on the humble planet of Malagnon Beta where we will be able to observe the indigenous beings more closely.
At any rate, the large piles of stone lying strewn across the planet look almost vaguely like a finger when viewed from the far reaches of space. The vague finger shape seems to be pointing in the general direction of Earth, and who on Earth has the most space-sounding name? Jonny10 of course, which is why we at QSP and certain members of the HSC have come to the logical conclusion that the piles of rubble are actually a monument to the intrepid space explorer and have also deduced from various top secret experiments and observations that the game of Avoid-Being-Crushed-By-Large-Heavy-Objects is merely a front to make it seem as if they have no idea what we are talking about.
The many scientist and other higher-thinkers at the HSC are trained to see through such fallacies and can readily identify at least 27.986 ways the beings of Malagnon Beta have tricked the greater Milky Way area into believing that they are only unintelligent buckets of unknown liquid that can somehow lift boulders the size of Texas. It is the proposition of some lesser beings in the LSC that we may not be on the verge of a major scientific discovery. Of course, anything the LSC has to say is automatically stamped as erroneous babblings spewing from a pit of nonsense. Therefore I recommend we disregard anything and everything the LSC has to say and proceed to build a space elevator to Malagnon Beta in all haste. This will start the downfall of Earth but will speed the launch of Ventosus Island into a self-contained floating mass of all that is good and right.
I don’t see how this could possibly backfire.
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