Thursday, October 04, 2007

Chapter 35: The End of the World

It is generally assumed at present that the end of the world will be an event, an explosion of magnificent proportions. In fact, many scientists are greatly dismayed because such grandiose scale will inherently preclude their ability to witness, record, postulate, and ruminate. This is all very amusing because it wasn’t all that many centuries ago that it was known as absolute fact that the end of the world was merely a location; the physical border between the land and the nothing where the seas rushed into the void in an eternal flush of cosmic magnitude. The similarity between these theorems is that the world (actually any world) is a static shape, either round or flat. This is, most regrettably, not the case. To accurately portray the world (actually any world), you must think more along the lines of a cassette tape. “Why then, when we view our world (actually any world), do we see a sphere instead of a long ribbon stretching through space?” This is a result of a quirk of tesserectian physics where the ribbon of our world (actually any world) intersects with our plane of existence in what we view as a sphere. We are, in a matter of speaking, a part of the player head for this galactic tape. Every 24 hours you actually find yourself dumped from your current location onto an identical appearing place exactly 24,901.55 miles West of your location (varying by latitude) to an identical appearing point of tape. This does explain however why it is so easy to misplace your keys. Thus you see the end of the world (actually any world) is neither an event nor a location, but rather an occurrence where the tape reaches a conclusion.

Rest assured avid reader. Our fair world (actually any world) will not cease to exist with the running out of tape for the citizens of the 22nd dimension who are the caretakers of the universes tape players have been kindly rewinding the tapes and re-starting them since the beginning of time. Thus is the proof behind our oft-quoted colloquialism: History is doomed to repeat itself. However, it also is true that the future is also doomed to repeat itself, at least until the tapes wear out.

It is well known (and previously discussed) that the higher the dimension a race of creatures inhabits, the more ill tempered it inherently is. One of the rare exceptions to this rule is the race of self-aware congealed thought in the 22nd dimension who are the operators of the galactic tape players. These beings have befriended us because of the role that the GDPC (Galactic Disaster Preparedness Committee) had in saving them from a full-scale invasion by the Largely Grumpy Sea-Bass of the 23rd and ½ dimension. It was never admitted to these galactic caretakers that the Sea-Bass were sent to the 22nd dimension by the GDPC to escape extinction through excessive sport fishing by the Bluborkian Snuffle-traders.*

*The Bluborkian Snuffle-traders were advised to take up Largely Grumpy Sea-Bass 23.5 fishing by the GDPC to alleviate the violence begetting boredom that occurred when the people of Thorocon IV stopped purchasing Snuffle pelts at the request of the GDPC since it was inciting protest riots in the Qweezle sector. The people of the Qweezle sector were rioting about the Snuffle pelts because it was overexploiting their supply of Snuffles used for food ever since the Solar dust storms from the Horsehead nebula explosion wiped out the similar tasting Snargles. All in all it wasn’t one of the GDPC’s better runs.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Chapter 34: AFK

While recently away from my keyboard attempting to acquire a fine cup of hot green tea (which, incidentally, originated in Quadrant V) my workstation was assailed by what can only be called beings of immense intelligence from the far reaches of Space and Time. When I returned from my quest to find tea the following message was displayed on my monitor (it should be noted that this is an unaltered reproduction of said document, if you are able to translate the document in whole or in part please contact your local HSC™ representative promptly and with much gusto).

lol i leik teh quasi scintfic pondrings maybe for u shuld rite abot teh dimenshun of teh intarwebz lol in that dimshun thar wil b other monsters and creshurs lol i have a computer box at teh home but it is the sux0rz lol!!!!11!111!!!!one!!11 when i get teh new 1 tehn i can play teh gamez wif teh grafix up to the high setting!!!1! i think u shuld rite about me in teh next issue of qsp lol,,, i can beat Spiner Mcblamm at his own games of teh universe. lol

Now, this document can mean only 7.2 of 4 things:

1. The universe as we know it is in dire peril.
2. The universe as we know it is not in dire peril.
3. Sometimes tea can be too hot.
©. The being that wrote the document is testing our strength and guile.

If for some reason the universe is in fact in dire peril then you will receive a message saying as much from the Meta-Ariwaves broadcasting from the HSC headquarters. Of course, it is a well-known fact that the only way to hear a message transmitted on Meta-Airwaves is to cover oneself with the month of July and eat 5.4 Words of Digression. While this may at first seem theoretically, physically, technically, and vocationally impossible, rest assured that the HSC is almost hard at work creating something that may or may not be just what you thought you were looking for in the first place. Once such a device has been created (yet remain unnamed due to the limitations of all known language to describe a machine that could invariably vary the very core of our existence) you will be notified at the proper time using proper methods (paying particularly close attention to Article V Section 2 of the handbook of untimely notifications).

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Chapter 33: The Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V

The discovery of the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V was a momentous occasion in the astrocartographic department of the HSC Headquarters. This was a far greater occurrence than merely discovering a standard Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar because the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V (whose name defies any and all attempts at acronymization) was shown to be located within the confines of Quadrant V. Prior to this Quadrant V was never proven to exist anywhere but the theoretical reality of Drs. Chrutchuizen and Chrutchuizen the conjoined physicist twins.

The original discovery of the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar created merely something akin to a mild hoopla until attempts to locate it within the realm of known space (including but not limited to all 32 dimensions) proved disastrous to a number of scientist’s favorite chalkboards (all good higher science is still performed with chalk). Thus, since it was not known where this Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar was and it was known where it wasn’t, by inference the logical location that it must be is where all that wasn’t is or will be. By the time the astrocartographic department had nearly given up hope Drs. Chrutchuizen2 came along and jovially jogged their memory as to their previously laughable theorems. Approximately 3.7 weeks later they were able to apply the necessary mathematics (unfortunately it took some time to grow the proper chalkboards) and discover the location of Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V within Quadrant V.

This astounding discovery converted the previously mild hoopla to a fantastically glorious celebration spanning the entirety of Ventosus Island. Unfortunately the parade and other proceedings were ruined by the inexplicably high winds that seem to propagate in the area. Higher Scientific authorities have assured us that it has nothing to do with the attempted time travel to the past to assure a faster replenishment of chalkboards.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Chapter 32: Origin of the Mats

Mats that cover the floors of various establishments have astoundingly peculiar properties. While at first glace they seem to be nothing more than rubber, carpet, or plastic objects lying in convenient places, if you were to take a closer look you would see that they are more than just objects to be trampled underfoot. It is in the hallowed halls of the auspicious HSC building located on Ventosus Island (which happens to be a nice place if you are looking for that last piece to The Puzzle) that you will find documents detailing the first meeting between man and Mat. While the exact origins of the Matimaliens is not known, it has been assumed on a number of occasions (it is a well known fact that if something is assumed exactly 712.984683 times while sitting in a large cup of tea, it automatically defaults to being true) that the origins of said beings are not important. What is important to note is the first meeting was a peaceful one.

However, since that first meeting the human race as a whole has enslaved the Matimaliens and lost sight of the fact that they are living beings with something almost resembling feelings. “But,” you may say, “Why isn’t any of this information in our school textbooks?” The answer is quite simple and will simply delight your inquisitive brain. You see, all of the theorems, conjectures, and improvable facts contained within this document are so mind numbingly complex that we at QSP must use a custom-made “HSC Word Containment Field” in order to keep the words of our scientific discoveries from floating off the page. Most people assume that science is heavy and can stay in one spot without fancy equipment, this may be true for the Lesser Scientific Community’s discoveries, but it is certainly not true for the wondrous wonderment that is the HSC. Since textbooks do not come equipped with any HSC-WCF, they cannot begin to start the process of commencing the development of including HSC science in their curriculum.

You may think that the heavy science is the more accurate science with more substance. That is exactly what the LSC wants you to think. They believe that physical science is absolute and has no deviations whatsoever. They have also brainwashed people into thinking that things with more stuff are heavier than things without as much stuff. “A pound of lead weighs more than an ounce of sweet honey from the comb,” is one of their favorite phrases. Naturally, the higher minds of the HSC know better. Take, for instance, the Krmphts from the 1st dimensions. If you were to stack three of them into a bottomless bag, (something that should only be attempted by trained professionals and lesser heroes due to the fact that the physiological makeup of a Krmpht is akin to a tube sock crossed with the anti-space equivalent of a malevolent but humorous goat) you would find that they weigh about 17.8 Kukaktiks (which is a universal standard for weight measurement, for comparative purposes, the average adult male human weighs ‘chair’ Kukaktiks). If you add in a fourth Krmpht the bag will suddenly plummet to ╝ Kukaktiks (which is considerably lower).

So now that the Matimaliens are officially at war with humanity they have taken it upon themselves to trip us at the most inopportune times. They especially enjoy tripping people who are attempting to impress members of the opposite sex. Ice has a very similar vendetta against us.