Sunday, February 18, 2007

Chapter 33: The Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V

The discovery of the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V was a momentous occasion in the astrocartographic department of the HSC Headquarters. This was a far greater occurrence than merely discovering a standard Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar because the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V (whose name defies any and all attempts at acronymization) was shown to be located within the confines of Quadrant V. Prior to this Quadrant V was never proven to exist anywhere but the theoretical reality of Drs. Chrutchuizen and Chrutchuizen the conjoined physicist twins.

The original discovery of the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar created merely something akin to a mild hoopla until attempts to locate it within the realm of known space (including but not limited to all 32 dimensions) proved disastrous to a number of scientist’s favorite chalkboards (all good higher science is still performed with chalk). Thus, since it was not known where this Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar was and it was known where it wasn’t, by inference the logical location that it must be is where all that wasn’t is or will be. By the time the astrocartographic department had nearly given up hope Drs. Chrutchuizen2 came along and jovially jogged their memory as to their previously laughable theorems. Approximately 3.7 weeks later they were able to apply the necessary mathematics (unfortunately it took some time to grow the proper chalkboards) and discover the location of Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V within Quadrant V.

This astounding discovery converted the previously mild hoopla to a fantastically glorious celebration spanning the entirety of Ventosus Island. Unfortunately the parade and other proceedings were ruined by the inexplicably high winds that seem to propagate in the area. Higher Scientific authorities have assured us that it has nothing to do with the attempted time travel to the past to assure a faster replenishment of chalkboards.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Chapter 32: Origin of the Mats

Mats that cover the floors of various establishments have astoundingly peculiar properties. While at first glace they seem to be nothing more than rubber, carpet, or plastic objects lying in convenient places, if you were to take a closer look you would see that they are more than just objects to be trampled underfoot. It is in the hallowed halls of the auspicious HSC building located on Ventosus Island (which happens to be a nice place if you are looking for that last piece to The Puzzle) that you will find documents detailing the first meeting between man and Mat. While the exact origins of the Matimaliens is not known, it has been assumed on a number of occasions (it is a well known fact that if something is assumed exactly 712.984683 times while sitting in a large cup of tea, it automatically defaults to being true) that the origins of said beings are not important. What is important to note is the first meeting was a peaceful one.

However, since that first meeting the human race as a whole has enslaved the Matimaliens and lost sight of the fact that they are living beings with something almost resembling feelings. “But,” you may say, “Why isn’t any of this information in our school textbooks?” The answer is quite simple and will simply delight your inquisitive brain. You see, all of the theorems, conjectures, and improvable facts contained within this document are so mind numbingly complex that we at QSP must use a custom-made “HSC Word Containment Field” in order to keep the words of our scientific discoveries from floating off the page. Most people assume that science is heavy and can stay in one spot without fancy equipment, this may be true for the Lesser Scientific Community’s discoveries, but it is certainly not true for the wondrous wonderment that is the HSC. Since textbooks do not come equipped with any HSC-WCF, they cannot begin to start the process of commencing the development of including HSC science in their curriculum.

You may think that the heavy science is the more accurate science with more substance. That is exactly what the LSC wants you to think. They believe that physical science is absolute and has no deviations whatsoever. They have also brainwashed people into thinking that things with more stuff are heavier than things without as much stuff. “A pound of lead weighs more than an ounce of sweet honey from the comb,” is one of their favorite phrases. Naturally, the higher minds of the HSC know better. Take, for instance, the Krmphts from the 1st dimensions. If you were to stack three of them into a bottomless bag, (something that should only be attempted by trained professionals and lesser heroes due to the fact that the physiological makeup of a Krmpht is akin to a tube sock crossed with the anti-space equivalent of a malevolent but humorous goat) you would find that they weigh about 17.8 Kukaktiks (which is a universal standard for weight measurement, for comparative purposes, the average adult male human weighs ‘chair’ Kukaktiks). If you add in a fourth Krmpht the bag will suddenly plummet to ╝ Kukaktiks (which is considerably lower).

So now that the Matimaliens are officially at war with humanity they have taken it upon themselves to trip us at the most inopportune times. They especially enjoy tripping people who are attempting to impress members of the opposite sex. Ice has a very similar vendetta against us.