Thursday, August 31, 2006

Chapter 22: Hyperonic Jell-o

If you were to tour the HSC lab (which is impossible unless you are the King of Kasaan or the Duke of Derlant) you may happen upon many peculiar artifacts and test substances. A few of the more well known oddities include the Refractor from the 4th dimension which can open a loaf of bread by itself on Tuesdays as long as you own a dog, or the impossibly complex Rubiker which takes 12.732 strong men to operate and has the ability to solve the Great Crisis of Moon Density which we believe will come to fruition in the near future.

Although it would appear that these discoveries with their fancy names and incomprehensible brilliance would be the cream of the HSC’s proverbial discovery crop, this is surprisingly not the case. At this point it is important to note that when someone says something is ‘proverbial’ they are actually referring to a real place, albeit in another dimension, on another planet. The laymen obviously does not realize this but due to the HSC and select members of the GDPC it was accidentally discovered to be the planet Barq of the 5th dimension. Since the 5th dimension creatures are not too hostile the HSC along with a small army equipped with an assortment of high-powered weaponry were able to secure a plot of land on which they could plant their crops of proverbial discoveries and also meet with other prominent proverbial citizens. At a later time we will go into greater detail regarding the planet Barq.

One of the more illustrious discoveries of late has been Hyperonic Jell-o, which, if ingested, will transform a human into a duck. This was not the intended purpose of Hyperonic Jell-o and started out as a harmless prank. The HSC is working fervently at least one day a month on a cure. The real purpose behind this peculiar jell-o is the unique physiological make-up of said gelatin snack (which, we must repeat, should NOT be ingested). When dormant at room temperature (the temperature really has nothing to do with the properties of the jell-o, we found that adding the phrase “at room temperature” lends an air of scientificness to our ponderings) the gelatin blob looks like any other gelatin blob sitting dormant at room temperature.

However, when kinetic energy is added to the jell-o it becomes stronger than a diamond-cutting sword surrounded by a large diamond planet. There are many variables to this phenomenon and they all depend on the flavor of jell-o used.

Strawberry jell-o will harden the instant it is moved and will not return to a jell-o state until completely stopped. When mixed with raspberry jell-o it will start out in its strong form and will return to a gelatinous blob when it impacts an object. It is this combination that will usher in the next century. A discovery of this magnitude will cease to exsist unless it helps to usher in a new century, that unfortunately means that we have nearly 100 years of waiting before the Hyperonic Jell-o will be officially discovered.

At that time we plan on using the Hyperonic Jello-o to build futuristic space machines and the successor to the ZRLX Bucket. It will nearly wipe out all vehicle related fatalities and, once perfected, will serve as emergency snacks. Spinner McBlam II of the UGGA is particularly interested in this technology, the GDPC has advised not to sell him the technology though as a this would inevitably cause the start of the fifth Glactic War (oddly, earth was never a part of the first four due to our lack of threat to the Unknown Galaxy Galactic Alliance even though we are the only planet so far to house the HSC and QSP).

Monday, August 21, 2006

Chapter 21: Party Blunders at Lightspeed

In earlier articles we have spoken about humankind's rudeness in its various attempts at time travel. This may lead one to think that the universe is a midwestern coktail party hostess who remains polite though her feelings are stepped on again and again. This is not the case. The universe more closely approaches a New York cockfight hostess who will give you the bum's rush if you don't put your money on the table (Your money, of course, being your mass, energy, spin, and the combined frequencies at which your strings are vibrating.)

How do I know this is true? Okay I don't know know it's true, but Spinner McBlam's cousin told me the following anecdote which, at least in my mind, almost completely lends support to whatever I just said in the preceding paragraph.

I will let him tell it in his own words:

"Right, so there I was, fuming mad because Ventosus Island had just materiaized on my favorite of my birth planets, Erehnrob,and spacelagged from travelling to Tenalp 2 to lodge a formal complaint. [Our records indicate that Ventosus never officially shifted there and that it was only there for a few nanoseconds anyway, but once you get a reputation. . .]Just as I opened my mouth to let the Complaint Division Customer Service Poodle have it I was interrupted by the Section Chief, not to mention bracketed editorial comments. [Sorry]

"'Here now, what are you on about!' he demanded. I tried to explain how rudely Ventosus showed up, bringing twice the polite air/dirt/tree density and all that, but he interrupted again. 'You are in the wrong line for that!! Yet you come here saying. . .well, dang! I don't know how to punctuate a quote within my own dialog within somebody else's quote. And I'm sure if someone ever tries to recreate this anecdote of yours in your own words they won't either. So I can't tell you what you said but you know it!'

"After that there was this silence while we all thought about what he had just said. During the silence I realized that my birthday party was going to start on Ooterehnrob in twenty minutes and I was thirty light minutes away.

"Now in that portion of the galaxy it is the heighth of rudeness to show up early or on time. Ten minutes late is frowned upon. And twenty minutes late is inexcusable. A person arriving eleven to fifteen minutes late will be met with swords. That's just how they are. I didn't have all time, so I could not waste it trying to accelerate to lightspeed so I settled for almost lightspeed. Here is where the universe payed me back for all the time travelling she knew I was going to haven't done yet did doing will have looked forward to regretting once for all.
[At this point he carries on as if the reader has an understanding of near lightspeed travel]
Of course I got to the party way bigger than the polite size. Well, my head was, my feet were still tiny and blue, you know how they do. I had to lay down to hear what was going on at the party. Some guest was complaining to another about how the blood sliding around in the veins of my brain was disturbing him. I realized with some embarrassment that the top half of my noggin had redshifted into the infrared wavelength and out of sight. A party foul, I thought, but certainly no worse than dropping the spoon handle into the bean dip. Finally this attractive lady noticed that I was being ignored and came over to talk to me.

'When do you think the rest of your body is going to come down out of the sky and join the party?' Trying to be witty I attempted to say, 'Hopefully not for another four minutes so I can be considered inexcusably late and not sword late.' But when I started saying it, instead of listening or laughing everybody at the party started rolling on the ground, making agonized faces and clamping their hands over their ears. A few of them got up and left. The party was over."

Now the reader must bear in mind that after recounting that tail Spinner McBlam's cousin did admit to me that he had stretched the truth. As it turns out Erehnrob was only his third favorite birth planet. He added that bit to make the story more interesting, he said.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Chapter 20: The Absence of Forgetfulness

How many things have you forgotten over the course of your life? Chances are not as many as you think. The average humanoid has actually genuinely forgotten about 7 thoughts since they were born. The sizable remainder of the missing brain waves generally fall victim to parasitic organisms that inhabit the bodies of our parallel selves in an alternate universe. These organisms range from the picoscopic Chelben, that generally feeds on minor items such as grocery lists and the locations of keys, to the worm-like Wilkarz, that prefers thoughts that would usually prove financially profitable for the individual who first conceived it, were it to come to fruition.

None of these are quite as infamous however as the Zimble. The Zimble feeds on rather practical matters of the mind. It generally delights in dates and appointments. The more important the appointment and the harder you are trying to remember it, the more delectable it appears to the Zimble. Unbeknownst to women galaxywide, the Zimble is actually to blame for numerous dating stand-ups and missed anniversaries. It appears that the Zimble actually has quite the voracious appetite. Once it begins to feast it will continue to devour thoughts like delectable morsels of Turkish delight until it is destroyed. Thankfully, the Zimble isn’t even a robust enough creature to survive the mild body temperature increase associated with a good cup of coffee. It is theorized that the Zimble can communicate on a primitive level with the coffee collective to prompt coffee based mischief to better its chances of survival.

The strangest fact about all of these parasites is that they can only feed across the Great Galactic Gulf between alternate universes. The GGG is a unique oddity in and of itself. A place where thoughts transmit as cleanly as through a semiconductor and few corporeal creatures can survive, certainly none of the air breathers. Very little is actually known by the GGG and none has traversed it except the intrepid explorers who have briefly entered it’s realm during the early attempts at time travel. It is believed that those very experiences are what originally alerted the sub-intelligent parasitic thought-consuming organisms of the alternate universe of our presence. If the Higher Scientific community of this alternate universe is aware of their presence we are certain that they are immensely grateful for the new source of sustenance that we have provided distracting these parasites from their own thoughts.

All is not lost for humanity however. Do not believe, esteemed reader, nay, even for a moment that Humankind is doomed to infinite “forgetfulness”. At this moment, the great thinkers of Ventosus Island have begun work on a method to close the Great Galactic Gulf to all thought transmission. This would effectively starve the parasites of the alternate universe and cause them to either die off or find another source of food. This action, however, has met with strong resistance from Dr. Wilhelm Brodmayer, the chairman of the GDPC (Galactic Disaster Preparedness Committee). His thoughts have been that we misunderstand the usefulness of these creatures. He proposes that they are symbiotic rather than parasitic organisms. Their usual function is to remove the clutter of unused memories from our consciousness. The only issue is that over the years we fall behind. The creatures appetites get so large that they must clean out our thoughts that are in current use rather than merely relying on discarded memories. Wilhelm’s hypothesis theorizes that the closing of the GGG to thought transmission would leave us with so many extra thoughts that we would be unable to concentrate on anything because of our constant recollections of everything that we have ever conceived or experienced. Sleep would become as elusive as the Thnith. He is gaining support rapidly and is likely to supplant the authority of the HSC’s committee for closing the GGG before significant damage is done.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Chapter 19: The Elusive Thnith

Of all the things one might expect to see inside an HSC interdimensional suitcase, a thinth is certainly not one of them. The reasons for this are two-fold and as follows:

1. Something does not have a title of ‘elusive’ if one can readily find it at any given moment, the elusive Thinth of the 32nd dimension is, for lack of a better word, elusive.
2. The only time the Thnith will make a journey to our humble yet hospitable third dimension is if peasants in their thatched roof cottages are in dire need of a hero to stop all the burninating.

Why would a creature from the malevolent 32nd dimension come to the aid of a peace loving 3rd dimensional human? I see you have paid attention during these chapters and know that, as a rule of thumb, any creature from the 32nd dimension is evil and ill-tempered, a deadly combination in any situation whether you are floating on a sea of English standard wrenches in the gamma quadrant or if you are hunting for doorknobs with Spinner McBlam (which happens to be one of his favorite pastimes).

Alas, there are exceptions to every rule of thumb. For instance, gravity has recently been discovered to only be a ‘rule of thumb’. The fallout from this discovery has yet to be felt here on earth where we still think gravity is the only thing holding us to the ground (how ignorant we’ve become!).

At any rate, the Thnith is the only benevolent creature in the 32nd dimension so we at QSP would advise not traveling there in the foreseeable future. It is said, by many HSC scientists and other higher thinkers, that the 32nd dimension is in the late stages of a government conspiracy. It is rumored that the 30th and 31st dimensions have formed an alliance with the Thinth and will attempt to wrest control from the vice like grip of the 32nd dimension. What exactly it has in it’s vice like grip is debatable, but we believe that it is something akin to a modernized musket.

While it may be difficult to imagine a dimension having a grip on something, it is actually quite logical. You see, space explorers for many generations have been telling stories in interstellar pubs about the horridness that is The Black Hole. When a dimension decides to grip something, whether is be the 32nd dimensions or the first, it creates a ripple in time, space, and any continuum that happens to be within 247.897 light years of the Gripping Point. These ripples have the uncanny effect of actually tearing the time fabric of our third dimension, creating a black hole.

The Thnith is hoping to prevent this by forming a trilateral government within any hostile dimensions and banning the gripping of anything larger than a small planet (earth is considered a minor-small planet so we are safe for now). Any concerns should be brought up with your local resident Tri-Lateral Committee Formation Representative’s legal secretary.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Chapter 18: Conspiracy Theories

The government is behind all of it. That is the general basis for 92.7% of the conspiracy theories available to date. People everywhere have for generations been theorizing about how the government of their particular locale has been attempting to keep the populace under control and observation at all times. The real issue behind these misconceptions is the motive with which they were created. Conspiracy theories are actually propagated by the very governments that they are referencing. The genuine motive behind them is a cost reduction of governmental expenditure by instilling the fear of control into the people allowing the said government to lessen actual control invisibly.

Most societies in the world today are in the earlier stages of this phenomenon. There is one people however where this has been taken to the extreme. In the middle of the Pacific Rim, there is a small archipelago of tropical islands that was formerly run by members of the Higher Scientific Community. These islands eventually evolved into the antithesis of the HSC’s installations on Ventosus Island. As the population gradually became less interested in scientific pursuits, the governing body of HSC scientists lost their interest in maintaining control of the islands. However they remained unwilling to merely surrender them to total anarchy. This is when the conspiracy theories began to be introduced to the community at large. Over time, the thoughts of the citizens of these islands became to consumed by paranoia that they feared the government’s watchful eyes in everything they did. Crime actually dropped off the radar nearly entirely and the average Joes of the nation would exact appropriate punishment on those who committed the few remaining misdemeanors for fear of it drawing attention to any one group. In this way the HSC was able to pull completely out of the country and comfortably ignore it for the indefinite future without bothering to set up an interim government. The actual workings of the government of this region really only consists of a single appointed president who was assigned the job merely on the “shiftyness” of his demeanor and is in fact too paranoid to do much more than watch reservedly the goings on outside the windows of his considerable estate.

This is the way that nearly all governments are headed at this time. Some of them are farther along in the evolution than others merely because of the lack of funding that is being pulled in by taxation. Most of the taxes that are levied are actually going to a select few who’s entire purpose is to decide what portion of everyday life is going to supposedly be invaded upon next and figure out what entertainment venues to spend this years sizable budget on.

Just remember, consummate reader of this beacon of scientific progress, the next time you hear of a plot of the government to invade your privacy and control you subversively, that’s what they want you to think.