Thursday, August 31, 2006

Chapter 22: Hyperonic Jell-o

If you were to tour the HSC lab (which is impossible unless you are the King of Kasaan or the Duke of Derlant) you may happen upon many peculiar artifacts and test substances. A few of the more well known oddities include the Refractor from the 4th dimension which can open a loaf of bread by itself on Tuesdays as long as you own a dog, or the impossibly complex Rubiker which takes 12.732 strong men to operate and has the ability to solve the Great Crisis of Moon Density which we believe will come to fruition in the near future.

Although it would appear that these discoveries with their fancy names and incomprehensible brilliance would be the cream of the HSC’s proverbial discovery crop, this is surprisingly not the case. At this point it is important to note that when someone says something is ‘proverbial’ they are actually referring to a real place, albeit in another dimension, on another planet. The laymen obviously does not realize this but due to the HSC and select members of the GDPC it was accidentally discovered to be the planet Barq of the 5th dimension. Since the 5th dimension creatures are not too hostile the HSC along with a small army equipped with an assortment of high-powered weaponry were able to secure a plot of land on which they could plant their crops of proverbial discoveries and also meet with other prominent proverbial citizens. At a later time we will go into greater detail regarding the planet Barq.

One of the more illustrious discoveries of late has been Hyperonic Jell-o, which, if ingested, will transform a human into a duck. This was not the intended purpose of Hyperonic Jell-o and started out as a harmless prank. The HSC is working fervently at least one day a month on a cure. The real purpose behind this peculiar jell-o is the unique physiological make-up of said gelatin snack (which, we must repeat, should NOT be ingested). When dormant at room temperature (the temperature really has nothing to do with the properties of the jell-o, we found that adding the phrase “at room temperature” lends an air of scientificness to our ponderings) the gelatin blob looks like any other gelatin blob sitting dormant at room temperature.

However, when kinetic energy is added to the jell-o it becomes stronger than a diamond-cutting sword surrounded by a large diamond planet. There are many variables to this phenomenon and they all depend on the flavor of jell-o used.

Strawberry jell-o will harden the instant it is moved and will not return to a jell-o state until completely stopped. When mixed with raspberry jell-o it will start out in its strong form and will return to a gelatinous blob when it impacts an object. It is this combination that will usher in the next century. A discovery of this magnitude will cease to exsist unless it helps to usher in a new century, that unfortunately means that we have nearly 100 years of waiting before the Hyperonic Jell-o will be officially discovered.

At that time we plan on using the Hyperonic Jello-o to build futuristic space machines and the successor to the ZRLX Bucket. It will nearly wipe out all vehicle related fatalities and, once perfected, will serve as emergency snacks. Spinner McBlam II of the UGGA is particularly interested in this technology, the GDPC has advised not to sell him the technology though as a this would inevitably cause the start of the fifth Glactic War (oddly, earth was never a part of the first four due to our lack of threat to the Unknown Galaxy Galactic Alliance even though we are the only planet so far to house the HSC and QSP).

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