Thursday, September 28, 2006

Chapter 26: They

We have all heard what they say. What we haven’t heard is who “They” are. The reasons behind this are actually quite multitudinous. Not the least of which being the fact that only 7 people in the known galaxy are fully qualified to provide the complete lecture as to precisely who “they” are. There are a slightly larger number that can give somewhat less complete answers to that question and a greater portion still of the population at large has at least a general hunch that is slightly vaguely similar to that which has been proven to be nearly correct. That greater portion is actually quite a minority when compared to other populaces such as those who understand the Quantum Placement Theory involving Cesium atoms of differing isotopes to influence the locations of quasar emissions or who have read their VCR manual through from cover to cover (in both languages just to make sure they know how to set the clock).

It has been thought that these 7 people are actually the “They” in question and are truly just attempting to cast suspicion off themselves with the mystery and intrigue that has been presented concerning the mysterious and intriguing “They”. This couldn’t be further from the truth however. One can disprove this theory by speaking with most any high school graduate in the Unknown universe. There such subjects are taught with reckless abandon and little regard to the inherent dangers involved with knowledge of that sort. Heretofore let all rumors cease; they are not “They”. They are merely the them who know the truth about “They” but are constrained to withhold that information for the greater good of all mankind. You should be thankful that they (not “They”) have enough restraint so as to protect you from unnecessary harm that comes from knowing too much.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Chapter 25: Schemes of a Madman

Every time you sneeze with your mouth uncovered, Spinner McBlam V laughs evilly and hatches another scheme.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Chapter 24: Telepathy and the Extrusion of Privacy

Much Higher Scientific research, in recent months, has been concentrated on the subject of Telepathy. A recent discovery by Dr. Bartholomew Ziemer has set the island of Ventosus ablaze with interest with a ferocity completely unrivaled by roast mutton. It turns out, that approximately 7/39ths of the galaxy’s Males and Females (and 12/17ths of the galaxy’s “others”) are what has become known as “Broadcast Telepaths” to at least a limited degree. Broadcast Telepathy is, simply, the ability to project your thoughts but not to intentionally receive the thoughts of others. 20% of this group is capable of emanating complete language structure and directing their ability through conscious thought, but the remainder have significantly less control. Instead of complete communication, most broadcast telepaths will merely have stray thoughts or short words and phrases escape into the minds of those near them.

As a general rule the thoughts that take flight are those that the originator is both concentrating intently upon and ignoring completely. This generally reduces the broadcast thoughts to either highly inventive concepts not yet fully materialized (that generally present themselves to the recipient as their own idea) or “practice” conversations that you intend to have soon (to which the recipient would swear that they heard you say what you had thought about saying but had not yet said and possibly weren’t ready to say). Either of these types of highly teleconductive thoughts can prove quite frustrating when they inevitably slip into some other brain.

The prevention of this forcible thrusting of your privacy onto the unsuspecting and undesiring masses isn’t merely a tin-foil lined baseball cap as has previously been thought, but rather the placing a small pebble into the shoe on your left foot (opposite that if you are a southpaw). This doesn’t prove to be a mechanical inhibitor for the transmission of thoughts, but instead proves to be enough of a distraction to cause you to think of nothing else than “I need to get this blasted pebble out of my shoe!” Discomfort of this type and even mild pain doesn’t appear to transmit well unless the recipient is already empathic by their own right. Unfortunately as soon as you remove the pebble and resume life as a productive member of society, you are once again susceptible to continuing your broadcasts.

More research is forthcoming as currently the HSC is divided as to whether alleviation of the broadcast telepaths symptoms or heightening of their abilities is the more logical course of action. This debate is likely to rage with impunity at least until lunch.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Chapter 23: Union Regulations

We (regretfully) would like to announce that (in accordance to Union regulations (from the Unionized coalition of Scientists, Thinkers and Philosophers (and the occasional artist))) Chapter 23 (in it’s entirety (with the exception of this ((mostly) detailed) statement)) will not be appearing (including theories, anecdotes and explanations) due to section XII (article 13) of the Intergalactic Guidelines (of scientific communities (greater than 17 members) mandating annual work breaks (designed for renewed enthusiasm) and prohibiting all higher thinking for a period including (but not (completely) limited to) one standard Earth week).