Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Chapter 11: The Mighty Kidney

The Hyperspace Conglomerate Committee has recently released the hyperspace travel safety guidelines, updated for the inclusion of the newly announced ZRLX Bucket. The ZRLX Bucket is a phenomenal feat of intergalactic engineering, capable of attaining speeds of 7.8 Googaflux. What this means, simply, is that the Bucket will have the capability of traversing the length, height, depth, breadth, and yes, even the width of the universe. Piloting said vessel has been lovingly compared to attempting to put socks on when ones feet are still wet. This is what the interplanetary racers of the galaxy refer to as ‘Pulling a fast one on ol’ mister Groohos’.

Due to the increased velocity and the ample g-forces generally produced when racing at anything greater than 2 Googaflux, most interplanetary racers have swallowed their brains whole and now only use the left kidney to produce coherent thought. This is the reason for some of their astoundingly timely sayings and euphemisms. It is no surprise, then, that some of the greatest thinkers in the history of the galaxy are or were former interplanetary racers. It is generally not a well thought out idea to quote former IRs due to the planet sized complexity and sheer revelatory substance of their musings. I am, however, compelled to share a quote that has guided me in my own musings.

While captaining a sinking ship, former IR Spinner McBlam X is reputed to have said, “Now that’s what I call twirling the cow while eating the fencepost nugget.” The gravity of these words is lost on mere mortals such as ourselves. Many prominent figures of the LSC considered him nothing more than a babbling madman, however, they were quickly refuted by an evil stare from the collective HSC.

While attempting advanced maneuvers in the ZRLX Bucket one must keep three things in the forefront of ones mind. What exactly these three things are is not important to casual operators; as long as three thoughts are in your mind the Bucket will function properly. In testing, it was generally concluded that to get the most power one should think about blue objects that can untie themselves.

The reasoning behind this is simple. With the advent of time travel, it was possible to power large devices with minimal thought. (How time travel factors into the equation has yet to be discovered). While this is all theoretical and the ZRLX Bucket has yet to be seen with human eyes, rest assured that someday we might just discover something along the lines of this scenario.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Chapter 10: The Overabundance of Nothing

One thing that you may have noticed about the universe is that it is made up of vast quantities of nothing. There are great voids of space that surround everything that we know and merely serve no purpose other that to make intra-galactic transportation rather difficult. This is really just a misinterpretation of the presented evidence however. What we perceive as “Nothing “ is in fact a certain form of “Something” that merely presents itself as a lack of anything and everything. This something is really prevalent in all areas of space down past the molecular level, even filling the so-called void between sub-atomic particles. Currently it is perceived as nothing in the same way that medieval magicians and alchemists thought a hole in the ground or an empty pocket had nothing in it. Now, even the marginally educated among us will readily acknowledge that that emptiness is merely a misnomer for something that is filled completely (nay even to overflowing) with a rich nitrogen/ oxygen mixture (on at least one third of the inhabited planets in the known universe). What the HSC has discovered is that the previous notion of nothingness is actually an overabundance of a substance nearly alike in composition to grape jelly that has been knocked slightly out of sync with normal matter rendering it impossible to detect with all scientific instruments of Earth today.

This substance has been properly named Xlorblsk (pronounced “chime”) by a Mr. Slobodan Vilczevski, a fantastic research scientist of the Higher Scientific Community with a terrible sense of humor. His thought was that since he never learned to spell his own name properly in school he would attempt to inflict the same affliction upon all who study his work by naming any and every discovery something horribly unspellable and illogically pronounced. His discoveries to date include such fantastic mainstays of daily society as the qwylrbnz (pronounced "dribley") which is the force that governs the reaction between quantum particles greater than 72 Billion light years apart, and kjnpaaaaagd (pronounced "kweeden") which is the real reason behind a yawn.

Xlorblsk is a byproduct of the excrement of the Zoobian Sun Worm when combined with a certain Norwegian ale m by a 300 lb. barmaid named Gretchen. The resulting explosion of thermodynamic fluid was so substantial that it caused the ensuing product to lose it’s molecular cohesion to standard reality and phase shift just out of synch with standard matter enough to place it beyond the standard detection of everyday science. The strange thing is that the Phase shift happened so instantaneously that the explosion and expansion went nearly completely unnoticed except for the missing vat of ale and the interminable giddiness that Gretchen felt for facilitating such a grandiose scale scientific creation (though she never could explain the feeling not having witnessed the actual product of the unknown experiment).

Monday, March 20, 2006

Chapter 9: Apropos and the Time Traveler

The unseemly thing about time travel is that it forces one to be boorish. There are only a few laws of thermodynamics, and most of them are quite reasonable (if you ask me) and yet we must violate them like insensitive louts turning the elegant universe into our romper rooms merely to escape our circumstances. Those rules we snub being that matter cannot be created or destroyed. Upon hearing this God declared, "I HAVE NEVER MADE THAT A HARD RULE." But His statement was quickly dismissed by the Lesser Scientific Community as Author Intrusion.

History should note that Quantum Mechanics revealed matter being created and destroyed constantly on a very small level but thus far no attempt has been made at an apology to God by the LSC. In fact I am told that lately they have taken the stance that He probably doesn't exist and therefore it is likely that no apology is necessary. It is therefore a corollary that any mention of the breaking of that one law of thermodynamics is considered uncouth and actually doing it is just rubbing salt in an old wound and can't we get just past it all with no more awkwardness?

A painstaking pan-planar census gave us the controversial evidence that 9 out of 11 people who claim that they were born in the wrong time period would not have survived in the period they pine for. The remaining 2 of 11 were found to be justified in their complaint, but had been kicked out of their correct time by the severely annoyed.

One Mr. Tim Phillips of the United States maintained that his sensibilities were far better suited to the pioneer days only to find through the research of the census that he was correct! Or rather, he was correct in his malaise of temporal displacement, but he had grossly underestimated the scope. Earlier on several cave dwellers from Pangaea finally admitted to sending Tim into the 20th century for two reasons. 1. He incessantly complained about circumstances beyond his control, and 2. It was really funny when you thought about it.

Now Gronk and Crudma's actions are not on trial here, but you have to realize that though Mr. Tim Phillips was their victim he should still be considered as rude, for he inadvertently broke those few, reasonable laws by:
1. Destroying his own matter in his own time
2. Creating his own matter in ours
3. Not being able to take a joke

The problems arising from time travel largely have to do with one's perception of it. For example there is a culture I have never been told of who have an interesting belief on the nature of time. Naturally since I have no prior knowledge of them I am not sure where they exist in the galaxy or on what plane of existence they feel most comfortable but I was only interested in their theory at first. There has been no account of their fascinating belief that all of existence is rimming a follicle. The phenomena we experience as time is merely the growing of a hair from that same follicle. Naturally they believe that the only possible time travel is backwards as we attempt to "climb the hair." Further study into their possible attempts at time travel has not surfaced to indicate that every person they sent into the past never returned to the present. To further complicate the matter the scientists who have not been reported to be studying the phenomena have become "one with the hair" as their people are not reported to call dying. It would be very difficult to extrapolate that their take on future travel claims it is impossible, as the future has not yet emerged from the follicle. This reality kills the dreams that all of their people have for the future and it may have been speculated (we have no indication) that this very death of the dreams of the future is what produces the dead cellular matter that pushes the present (in fact the whole hair) out of the follicle. Thus the present is the remains of the death of the dreams of the future, or something, and stuff.

Had I heard of this society I could have easily explained why their chrononauts were never heard from again. The future being fluid, it is the past that is set and that is why there is a destination when they "climb the hair." However that setness of the past is the very thing that did their chrononauts in! You see it is not enough to simply travel to the past, but having arrived there one must start traveling toward the future again at the same rate as one's new surroundings to be included. This explains why on occasion we start and yell when it seems someone has popped into existence right before us only to disappear just as quick. This was not an hallucination and you have no need to feel shame at your startlement. Someone merely arrived at their target moment. When you were in that moment you saw them, then as you moved past that moment and they didn't, reality snubbed them because they were being boorish towards poor thermodynamics and also because they just didn't fit in. Unfortunately they have been crystallized into that moment and will only travel upward (but not backward) with the lengthening of the hair.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Chapter 8: The Whereabouts of Coffee

Some of our readerbase will inevitably be aware of the curious surroundings contributing to the epidemic of missing ballpoint pens in the universe. This is something that we do not need to delve into. Instead we choose to investigate the instances of missing coffee. Many times in my own life and (I suspect) in yours as well you will be finding yourself uttering the fateful words “Where did I put my coffee?” This isn’t merely the product of bad memory as you may expect. Coffee droplets in and of themselves do not posses any intelligence; however, when a sufficient amount of them join together they form a low level semblance of a collective mind not entirely unlike honeybees. The strangest phenomenon in this scenario is that this collective mind is not merely bent on self-preservation (though that often is a by-product of it’s actions) but rather on mischievousness. It’s primary directive is not to avoid being drunk (though that is a rather unpleasant experience from what I gather) but merely to cause you strife and minor mental anguish from continually escaping your gaze and ending up places that you have no idea you have been near recently. It appears that this collective mind retains its semblance of intelligence throughout the dwindling amount of liquid even back past the point where the cup reached critical thinking mass to begin with. How this residual intelligence continues to exist is currently a mystery to 7 out of 8 scientists galaxywide. Unfortunately the 8th ones are not currently in good standing with this publication due to their efforts to promote tea as an acceptable alternative to coffee without the semi-intelligent byproducts. Their misunderstanding of the uses of a good tea are so vastly inferior to the near-truth of assumed uses that the rest of their research is generally dismissed offhand.

The biggest hurdle in understanding the abilities of coffee collectives has been trying to discover the method of propulsion used to grant these forays into mischief. Great financial backing has been recently procured for this research, mostly bankrolled under miscellaneous expenses like toilet seats and hammers for the Senators and governmental -inter-office memo runners to use (rarely simultaneously). Recent breakthroughs in this field have uncovered at least part of the circumstances allowing locomotion to be achieved. It has been documented that a coffee collective of substantial mass emits a ULF (ultra low frequency) soundwave that can temporarily draw higher organisms into the local hive mind. Thus locomotion is achieved by the coffee owners own body but the drinkers memory is not informed of this because he is not operating under his own will at the time. This frequency is such that it only affects something that has previously ingested a portion of this same cup once the hive reaches it’s semi-conscious state. These same frequencies do not have any affect on those who are drinking the same liquid from another cup since that has formed a separate hive and therefore operates on a separate frequency. The strange part is that when a single container of coffee gets past a certain volume it begins to split into conflicting hive factions causing a disruption in the ULF waves and multiple local consciousnesses. This effectively negates any intelligence that may form within the coffee causing what is known unofficially as a “dumb pot effect”. This explains why you rarely see full pots or carafes of coffee turning up in the same types of strange locations that a simple cup will.

Experiments have been conducted with many other liquids to attempt to determine whether or not this is an isolated scenario with coffee alone or if other liquids can develop a similar hive collective. Milk and plum juice have proven to be exceptionally dense however most other liquids have shown some propensity toward intelligence though almost never enough to really develop the true semi-consciousness of coffee. IBC cream soda seems to have the closest likening to a conscious mind however it rarely stays around long enough to execute any mischief.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Chapter 7: The Problem With Humming

Personally, I don’t really care when people hum—especially if it happens to be a song I enjoy and they are halfway competent in the doing. Unfortunately, not all beings enjoy the presentation of wordless songs. In fact, it has been documented, almost tested, and nearly proven that if one were to hum whilst in the vicinity of Beta Gamma 9 (one of the more prominent and wealthy planets in the Leaf Blower quadrant, which, by strange coincidence, has no trees) the planet itself would swallow you whole and you would suffer in the Pit of Pitiful for what appears to be an unknown amount of time.

Not all planets have a Pit of Pitiful, but those that do should be considered armed and mildly exciting. By exciting of course I mean to imply with no basis of proof (for such things are trivial in such an obviously superior journal of science) that were you to carry a feather with you into a Pit of Pitiful it would be feasible to tickle your way out. Since not everyone remembers to carry a feather with them while traversing the deepest recesses of space, some have learned the art of tickling with a towel, which is the one item usually found on space traveling persons. A fact of renown is this: planets enjoy being tickled. It was this astounding discovery that nearly defeated the great army of the Krazak people. How this was accomplished and why it was such a great discovery has yet to be seen. You can be assured that it will be explained by this very journal at a later point in time, although the actual moment that it is revealed may not be so much a point as it is a little blur or a scratch even. Sometimes time is funny like that.

A hum is quite possibly the most powerful weapon in the Unknown Galaxy (as opposed to the Known). And since they are so readily available it is easy to see why the Unknown has never become the Known. For when an intrepid space explorer stumbles upon the elusive and evasive Unknown Galaxy, the populous, which has long been regarded as the most savage group of unknown beings in non-existence, will simply hum a tune and said explorer will cease to exist. The explanation for this is quite simple, when one hums in the Unknown Galaxy the wavelengths mutate in such a way that after traveling exactly 2.897 feet they no longer comprise an innocuous hum. Instead they are now a solid object with the properties of sound, setting your gaze on a block of sound has been known to turn even the heartiest space explorer into a freshly made wicker basket.

This may not seem like too terrible a problem at first, but that is only because you do not know the true nuances of the Unknown Galaxy. Wicker Baskets are the sworn enemy of the Unknown Galaxy Galactic Alliance, headed by none other than Spinner McBlam II. His orders are to shoot on sight and since we don’t know how large the Unknown Galaxy is, it can be assumed with a relatively high probability that the UGGA is everywhere and will not miss an opportunity to fire their
Perpetual High-Density Cannon on said baskets.

How these wicker baskets came to be public enemy #1 in the Unknown Galaxy is a very interesting tale of science, discovery, nostalgia (if you happen to be a Spore from Galatacon LX) and even Misery. It is important to note at this time that Misery is the name of the king of the Unknown Galaxy. We think. It has not yet officially been proven because we have not officially been to the Unknown Galaxy on official business. We believe that our invitations may have been lost in the transition from the realm of unknown into our realm, for if something unknown becomes known then it must surely not exist in it’s previous form. It is our firm belief that our invitations are, in fact, the Atlantic Ocean.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Chapter 6: Hyperspace Travel and Premature Aging

Interdimensional traversing naturally brings about the possibility of Hyperspace travel. The concept of hyperspace travel is not a new one by any stretch of the imagination. Science Fiction has been doing this for some time without truly understanding it. Hyperspace travel as it stands currently is exiting out of normal space (i.e. the first three dimensions including time) and using that lack of parameters to travel in the most direct method possible to whatever your destination happens to be. That way when you re-enter normal space from “hyperspace” you would do so at the exact same moment that you left it, thus traveling great distances in literally no time at all. The issue with this form of transportation lies at a deeper level than merely getting to work on time. When you are in hyperspace you exist outside of time. Your body however is not aware of this. You still experience events sequentially merely because you don’t know any better than to do so. Because of this phenomenon, known as Lutzenfeld’s Third law of intergalactic relations (or Lutz III for short), you still experience aging while in hyperspace. To put it simply, you emerge from a hyperspace jump slightly older than you entered it even though you start and finish the journey at the same time. This accounts for many of the extremely old looking scientists hanging around the science bars in most major cities. They are usually only in their 30’s but have completed an inordinately large number of hyperspace journeys. You will often find that chain smokers will attempt to use this excuse as well but it is rarely true.

To counter this premature aging process most commercial travel companies (as well as a lot of private sectors) use cryogenic suspended animation. This is a delicate process that involves killing you and freezing your remains so that you will not age during an extended hyperspace jump. This method has several drawbacks however. First is the complex process of re-animating your dead carcass (usually involving 3 surgeons, a French poodle, and a large vat of mayonnaise) so that you can hopefully rejoin normal life with no long-term issues. Secondly, there is the fact that the cryogenic process (often labeled with the misnomer of Cryo-“Sleep”, you’re dead not sleeping) takes some “time” yet once the hyperspace journey has begun and before it ends causing you to still age slightly. Lastly there is the generally uncomfortable issue of “latent extreme chilling and condensation build-up” or LECCB more commonly known as freezer burn.

An alternative to this personnel intensive process has begun to be developed in the tandem research labs of the Crutchuizen twins. These labs are known because the Crutchuizen twins had trouble with the fact that they wanted to be independent in their research even though they are conjoined. Later they realized the old axiom is true that two heads divided against themselves are worth one in the hand and decided to combine their research. They have corporately come up with the precursor technology to allow the development of an anti-aging field. Thus far the early tendrils of this field have proven this device to only function outside the realm of normal time (or only in hyperspace). Eventually you will find most commercial transports to be sporting these field generators (at least for first class). Far into the future it can be foreseen that the exorbitantly wealthy will employ these generators in their hyperspace enabled sleeping quarters accomplishing the ability to work 24 hours a day and continue to gain incalculable wealth much faster than the common working class the whole while not aging any faster than normal. This will effectively extend their life by 30% since sleep will not count toward time spent living. The rest of us however will be doomed to short lived poverty.

Hyperspace travel, of course, differs from teleportation in that there is literally no traveling between point A and point B during a teleport. You merely disappear from A and reappear at B. There is no traveling simultaneously through all the points in the universe until you merely re-emerge at B. There is no way that you need to detour through C to get to B when you are coming from A. That is an unnecessary way around things. You should never get near C unless you have decided upon visiting B that what you were looking for is not there and you must venture on to C. Teleportation allows you to do this. There are a few problems however. First is the fact that Teleportation is a learned skill and not merely a technology. It takes more than a trained monkey to accomplish it (though iguanas have successfully done so). And secondly one can only travel via teleportation with their own person. There is no taking someone along for the ride. For that matter there is no taking anything along for the ride. Because of this you teleporting should only be done either to pre-determined locations and times where you have a spare set of clothing waiting in a secluded are for you, or during times of great emergency where it will not be a large issue for you to have to show up somewhere completely naked. Some people use this method purely for entry and exit from the bathtub. When that is done it creates a fantastic splash as all the water that you would generally displace at a normal pace is instantaneously forced away from your new position. This can be great fun for those who have never gotten past their inability to make a good cannonball splash at the local pool as a youth.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Chapter 5: The End of All Things

It has been conceived that with the ever increasing interdimensional jumps and the introduction of the largely grumpy Sea-Bass from 23rd and ½ dimension into our own that certain events will soon be set in order that will produce a quantum reaction of sufficient force to remove all matter from the universe. Consider this a warning that one day you may find yourself nothing more than an energy blob attempting to fight off another determined Sea-Bass like energy blob from swimming in your energy blob toilet. However for this to actually happen you would have to sign up for the illustrious Time travel program to be one of our candidates for retrieval of future technology as this even is generally concurred to take place many eons from now. By the time it happens society is expected to become so wholly dependant on technology anyway that such a transition may not necessarily be noticed. At that point birth will be an event immediately followed by the insertion of several nutritive IV’s and a wireless neural uplink to your government issued computer terminal that has been preloaded with nothing more than a copy of the Quasi-Scientific Ponderings. From there you must learn the mistakes of the past and the theoretical future and discover the nuances of life while you slowly teach yourself to hack into mainstream society (providing you figure out that there is a mainstream society). The likely eventual occurrence of the disappropriation of all matter will actually go unnoticed by many until it is first discovered by Spinner McBlam LVII. It has been mathematically calculated that the odds of this scenario playing out are staggeringly probable, well within the realm of what a good cup of hot tea can bring about. Thus an APB has been issued within the Higher Scientific Community stating the dangers of drinking such beverages during interdimensional experiments. This bulletin shall remain posted for all to see at the main city center of the capitol town of Ventosus Island. All of the remaining local citizens will be reminded of this when scientific testing resumes once again in the surrounding area. There has been inexplicable damage to the Time Travel generators there recently and it may be some time before the vandals are caught. They appear to have used giant fans to damage equipment through the entire countryside. Rest assured they will be punished to the Near-fullest extent of the law.

The Fullest extent of the law however is something that is not readily known even within the general law abiding public. The law actually extends much further than any self-respecting officer is willing to admit jurisdiction over. These laws were written by our forefathers in times of extreme brilliance before we had the general education capable of understanding our own mental prowess. There is a reason that in New Hampshire you are not allowed to carry 2 dimes and a nickel in the same left pocket. It actually has to do with the phenomenon that causes ringing in your ears, or more exactly ringing in the ears of those who pass approximately 2.7 meters on your right side (less if you are of greater girth). This may seem like a harmless situation causing a slight annoyance at the best however it has been studied in depth as of late and proven that every time such an occasion happens you are leaking intelligence to your counterpart in the anti-universe. Each occurrence reduces your IQ by a whole .725 points and causes a momentary lapse in oxygen levels in the few millimeters of air surrounding your pinky finger. Thankfully this is not a one-way street. The same situation occurs in reverse whenever the anti-universe individual eats a peanut butter sandwich. Not everyone likes peanut butter though. However if they ever get a hold of the recipe for an omelet the world is in trouble. Luckily, chickens there are considered a pest and merely disposed of.

Some of the other laws that pass by generally unnoticed are:
· Screaming while underwater (which causes unnecessary disturbance to local plankton and will eventually incite a revolt)
· Wearing two left shoes (just in case extra terrestrials land looking for intelligent life).
· Drinking coffee with cream and no sugar (because that’s just not natural).

Thankfully we have a crack team of scientists who are employed fulltime to rectify any misinteraction with other beings in the case of these commonly ignored laws.

Chapter 4: Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Alternate Dimensions

It is a well-known fact among the Higher Scientific Community (note: this scientific community cannot be named due to their secretive nature. Rest assured that they are in fact real and have made astounding discoveries which mortal man must never see or read about due to their cataclysmic complexity) that there are, in fact, thirty-two dimensions. Our attempts thus far to send a subject into, say, the fifth dimension, have failed miserably. Though it has been done before by an ancient, now extinct, civilization once known to frequent Ventosus Island, their records have subsequently vanished with them. The authors of this paper firmly believe with great relish that we are on the verge (indeed, the very precipice) of discovering yet again how this ancient people managed to slip so easily from one dimension to the next.

One popular theory that has been setting the Lesser Scientific Community (this includes all of the –ologies such as biology, sociology, cosmetology, and chemistryology) ablaze with wonder involves a banana peel, three ice cubes, Beethoven’s ninth symphony in E minor, and a pair of comfortable yet practical steel boots. What the LSC (Lesser Scientific Community) does not yet realize is when all of the afore mentioned elements are combined in one pickle jar (which must happen for the theory to be relative) they will react quite negatively with each other and cease to exist. The only way to remedy such a dire situation is with the HSC’s (Higher Scientific Community, whose greatest discovery has been the non-existence of pancakes) very own Quantum Trilinear HAZMAT Constructor.

For the sake of humanity I can only describe it as thus: a circular square with infinite radius and negative depth. When contacted by the LSC about the possible purchase and deployment of a Quantum Trilinear HAZMAT Constructor, the HSC deemed the machine to be a hazard to the public at large and denied the request. “Preposterous,” some exclaimed, “Blasphemous,” said others. Outside the non-existent offices of the HSC was a frail man picketing with a billboard-sized sign which read ‘What about the Pancakes’. The public liaison for the HSC stood (rather defiantly some have said) in front of the hugely massive office building on Ventosus Island, stabbed a finger into the air and said simply “its science.” He then exploded into the future where, even now, he is enjoying a futuristic piece of steak.

It has been theorized, with proper margin for speculation and empirical conjecture (the basis of all research), that the denizens of each successive dimension get more ill tempered as the dimensions rise in number. Take, for a primitive example, time, which has largely been thought of as the fourth dimension. Anyone with a knowledge of dimensions will tell you that time is actually an off-shoot of the third dimension, as documented in section 21.84, paragraph 3, line 5 of the Dimension Jumpers Handbook (which, ironically, only exists in the 32nd dimension and is therefore all but unattainable).

Although some may find the notion of dimension jumping erroneously dangerous and needlessly complicated, the true believers know what great benefits will be had by such an endeavor. These include, but are certainly not limited to:

· Building galaxy-conquering armies comprised of higher dimension, hyper-intelligent beings.
· Learning the true ins and outs of the Parallax Displacement Formula
· Finding all those lost socks

And who is to say we won’t find the elusive Gigaflux Capacitor in some unknown corner of the darkest dimension? Of course, to find the darkest dimension one would need a flashlight capable of penetrating the Churning Nothingness. If such a device existed it would surely be comprised of the space-time continuum (which has been know to take physical form when confronted by a mob of angry, yet hospitable, chortling Dutchmen), and a large vat of the Colonel’s finest pudding. Yellow pudding to be more precise.

Once these key ingredients are located in the vast expanse that is the outer rim territorial open market dwelling, there is still the problem of powering the device that will penetrate the Churning Nothingness. Of all the alloys, batteries, fluids, and other various appliance-powering devices, there are exactly none that can power the flashlight used to penetrate the Churning Nothingness. This is most unfortunate. However, the very essence of the Churning Nothingness is such that it may very well just let any bipedal human pass without so much as a grunt, fluff, or otherwise sign of intelligent life. Not that the CN is un-intelligent mind you, it’s quite the opposite. But we humanoid life forms are, by comparison, nothing more than a spec of dust on the CN’s windowsill. And as dust is ignored so shall we be eating ice cream while searching for the Gigaflux Capacitor.

Why do we even need a Gigaflux Capacitor you may ask? For shame! I would have hoped that a reader so astute as to have made it this far in such a landmark journal of science would by now assume that an answer, however vague it may be, would be forthcoming. Ah, but this is merely chapter four so I will pardon you this once and proceed to answer to the best of my knowledge (which is vast).

It has occasionally been considered to be as much as 7% true that the Gigaflux Capacitor once resided on an island somewhere in the tropical Atlantic. As you may have guessed by now, mysterious things tend to happen in the vicinity of one Ventosus Island. We are still researching this phenomenon and will have conclusive enough evidence to commence the research needed to create a more exacting picture of what may or may not be happening on said island. Rest assured that once this research has commenced we will be able to, without a doubt, locate the Gigaflux Capacitor.

What the device does, in laymen’s terms, is create a parallel vacuum transistor in the fluctuation chamber of High-Con Seven. This will in turn remedy the sun obsolete as the resulting explosion of interwoven atoms and combined neurons will rend the very fabric that holds the universe together. Though this has never happened before it is widely speculated and narrowly assumed that such an event would cause a rift between the third and fourth dimension. Should one survive the universe rending it would then be theoretically possible to proceed with much haste into the fourth dimension. And how would one survive a Gigaflux Capacitor Discharge? By warping temporarily into the future, which we know can, and indeed has, happened. The QSP labs, located exactly three thousand kilometers east of Ventosus Island, are currently constructing a Localized Gigaflux Capacitor Discharge Coagulator (or POPPER for short). What this simply astounding piece of modern science and ingenuity will attempt to accomplish is to create on-demand dimensional rifts whilst minimizing the danger to the entire universe. In essence, a wide open door to the fourth dimension conveniently stored in one’s pocket.

In later chapters, after our (or someone’s) first successful voyage into the uncharted and untamed fourth dimension, we will report on what this new frontier holds.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Chapter 3: Of Artificial Weather and Time Travel

The occurrence of what we currently describe as “artificial” weather is really a misnomer. We have no artificial weather at this time. The only close semblance to this is the unnatural weather that takes place whenever someone attempts to time travel. This is because when one attempts this through current technology all matter in a hemisphere approximately 200 meters in diameter is taken on the journey with them. This includes trees, passing swallows (both laden and un), and most importantly, Air. This resulting vacuum is one of Nature’s most abhorrent items on its inventory list. This causes such a great influx of nitrogen that super-gale force winds are created. This net reduction in world atmospheric pressure results in a planet wide drop of 0.000000217°C, while simultaneously superheating the air that is instantly converging on the location that was just vacated by the aforementioned traveler. This would instantly vaporize anything within that same 200 meter diameter so it is a very good thing that the time traveler is safely located in a different time else he(she) would cease to exist. It is greatly unfortunate that we have never been able to obtain any technology from these ventures into the future since no one has ever returned from one of their excursions. We assume that the future-present is just far to enticing to bother returning to the present-past. Why bother bringing technology back to now when you can just stay then and keep it all?

The main problem with this rapid influx of matter is its propensity to form massive hurricanes nearly spontaneously, thus the illusion of artificial weather. It is theorized that this is how we managed to lose great portions of the United States last year. There was a significant jump in time travel testing. The thought is that the more people you send to the future the more likely it will be that one of them will become nostalgic and come back to our time hopefully bringing back copious amounts of replicatable future technology and return it to the government that was willing to send them to the future in the first place so that mankind can benefit from the knowledge of the future instead of just selling it on Ebay and becoming fabulously wealthy. The problem, however, is we now have no idea how to look for people returning from the future (since we have never witnessed it happening), nor do we even know who to look for since the roster of who has been sent on this glorious mission was stored in New Orleans. The backup copy was on Ventosus Island.

The theory is that a reverse effect of this displacement happens at the receiving end of the time travel experience. This should in theory create an overpressure wave at the site of re-insertion effectively doubling the air pressure for that 200m hemisphere (as well as soil pressure and trees and such. While this may sound dangerous we are reasonably confident that there is no resulting destruction at the source of travel mostly because it wouldn’t be cool. Everyone knows time travel is cool, why else would you have needed a Delorean to portray it with?

One of the most common theories about why it is that people are not traveling back to the present time is that once in the future they discover some horrific problem with society and are attempting to go back in time to prevent that scenario from playing out. This generally causes more problems than it is worth. Most backward time travel is so disruptive to the existing timeline that it generally fractures time itself and remeshes it back together forming the myriad of static time bubbles expounded on previously. This belief however has met with substantial resistance within the confines of the Peruvian senate of the second asylum. What right those looneys have discussing the state of affairs of the entire universe the world may never know. I personally believe that they are the ones who may be on to something though.

Chapter 2: The hall of records, Ventosus Island, Tropical Atlantic

There is no Chapter 2.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Chapter 1: Of Mice and Myopic Macro-vascular Low Wavelength Laser Surgery

I can see from the fact that you are still reading this that the title of this chapter has piqued your interest. This, however is nothing but a ruse. It should be well acknowledged by now that this document will be much more likely to delve into studies of the increasing curiosity of the clinically insane than discussing the moral aptitude of sound medical practice. Any such truly scientific dilemmas may or may not be addressed at the point that is generally referred to as the “future”. This designation being designed to differentiate such “times” as separate and nearly completely unrelated to the “present” or “now” and the “past” or pre-QSP (pre-Quasi-Scientific Ponderings) realms of “reality”.

As far as the pre-QSP era is concerned, do such portions of the space time continuum actually exist? Is there a reliable way to discern whether or not history can have happened without such a pristine nearly comprehensible document such as this to having recorded them for posterity? What about the rumors of the alleged Pink Elephant war? Now that the original manuscript has been lost for all eternity, what is the status of such an occurrence? Can man’s memory be trusted? Did this strife between Day and Night happen? And how does it relate to honeybees?

These are the questions that revolve around the empty skulls of those who have gone before and are still going now and soon will be completely gone again. We will all eventually go with them. To where, you may ask? That is a good question.

The extent that the reprehensible commencement extends extemporaneously bends that which was meant for men. From whence it went then no women can send an event. These triads will buy the guys from my side and spy on the sly mile until their will kills this fickle filled hill and spills the bill as such:

And thence from the land of doctor Seuss
Where the hole meets the electric goose
There will you find the red spruce
And attempt to avoid the fatal noose.

These few staves however have been said to bring about localized destruction of cataclysmic proportions to all who utter them with their minds voice. This occurrence has not been documented yet because all of the testing panels have mysteriously met with extreme peril wiping out any records of destruction following any tests that were performed against this curse. Truly scientific sounding people have assured the pleasantly ignorant public that these situations are merely an unfortunate coincidence that has occurred with what should not be considered an alarming regularity. That and the fact that there is a small Atlantic island that has NEVER had a hurricane directly hit the island, and they have the records to prove it dating back 5 years since the hall of records accidentally blew away.

This naturally brings us back to the age-old question of which came first, the egg, or the omelet. It is the firm belief by the author(s) of this digital whitepaper that the omelet must have come first. If no omelet had ever been had by any living creature then who would have ever found themselves to be inspired enough to make an egg? The situation probably went like so:
· Ogg: grunt (I’m hungry)
· Grog: Grunt-Gr (I am feeling a little desire for food as well)
· Ogg: Grr-Unt-Ug (What say you to the proposition of having another one of those delectable omelets that we had yesterday?
· Grog: Ug-Grr (Those were delicious, I feel however that they may have been lacking one crucial taste that I cannot seem to place.
· Ogg: Grr-Grunt-ug-ug-Grunt (Maybe we should make the omelet out of something else, something that we have never had before. Something completely new and interesting that will place us into the future history books. We should use an Egg!)
· Grog: Grunt-unt-ug-Grr-RRrr-gru-unt-Grr-ug-UG-ug-Grunt-GRRRRR-Grunt-grug-Ug (What’s an egg?)
· Ogg: Grunt-Grr (I have no idea. Why don’t we squeeze this chicken over here and eat the first thing that comes out of it?)

And so from that day forward Eggs have been the item of choice to make omelets from and all information was lost prior to that time since these cave-dwelling geniuses lived on a remote island in the middle of the tropical Atlantic and their cave drawings seem to have mysteriously been blown off the cave walls. Furthermore they never realized their dream of making it into the future history books of the present and past because no one could ever understand what they were saying (they could barely understand each other).