Friday, March 03, 2006

Chapter 5: The End of All Things

It has been conceived that with the ever increasing interdimensional jumps and the introduction of the largely grumpy Sea-Bass from 23rd and ½ dimension into our own that certain events will soon be set in order that will produce a quantum reaction of sufficient force to remove all matter from the universe. Consider this a warning that one day you may find yourself nothing more than an energy blob attempting to fight off another determined Sea-Bass like energy blob from swimming in your energy blob toilet. However for this to actually happen you would have to sign up for the illustrious Time travel program to be one of our candidates for retrieval of future technology as this even is generally concurred to take place many eons from now. By the time it happens society is expected to become so wholly dependant on technology anyway that such a transition may not necessarily be noticed. At that point birth will be an event immediately followed by the insertion of several nutritive IV’s and a wireless neural uplink to your government issued computer terminal that has been preloaded with nothing more than a copy of the Quasi-Scientific Ponderings. From there you must learn the mistakes of the past and the theoretical future and discover the nuances of life while you slowly teach yourself to hack into mainstream society (providing you figure out that there is a mainstream society). The likely eventual occurrence of the disappropriation of all matter will actually go unnoticed by many until it is first discovered by Spinner McBlam LVII. It has been mathematically calculated that the odds of this scenario playing out are staggeringly probable, well within the realm of what a good cup of hot tea can bring about. Thus an APB has been issued within the Higher Scientific Community stating the dangers of drinking such beverages during interdimensional experiments. This bulletin shall remain posted for all to see at the main city center of the capitol town of Ventosus Island. All of the remaining local citizens will be reminded of this when scientific testing resumes once again in the surrounding area. There has been inexplicable damage to the Time Travel generators there recently and it may be some time before the vandals are caught. They appear to have used giant fans to damage equipment through the entire countryside. Rest assured they will be punished to the Near-fullest extent of the law.

The Fullest extent of the law however is something that is not readily known even within the general law abiding public. The law actually extends much further than any self-respecting officer is willing to admit jurisdiction over. These laws were written by our forefathers in times of extreme brilliance before we had the general education capable of understanding our own mental prowess. There is a reason that in New Hampshire you are not allowed to carry 2 dimes and a nickel in the same left pocket. It actually has to do with the phenomenon that causes ringing in your ears, or more exactly ringing in the ears of those who pass approximately 2.7 meters on your right side (less if you are of greater girth). This may seem like a harmless situation causing a slight annoyance at the best however it has been studied in depth as of late and proven that every time such an occasion happens you are leaking intelligence to your counterpart in the anti-universe. Each occurrence reduces your IQ by a whole .725 points and causes a momentary lapse in oxygen levels in the few millimeters of air surrounding your pinky finger. Thankfully this is not a one-way street. The same situation occurs in reverse whenever the anti-universe individual eats a peanut butter sandwich. Not everyone likes peanut butter though. However if they ever get a hold of the recipe for an omelet the world is in trouble. Luckily, chickens there are considered a pest and merely disposed of.

Some of the other laws that pass by generally unnoticed are:
· Screaming while underwater (which causes unnecessary disturbance to local plankton and will eventually incite a revolt)
· Wearing two left shoes (just in case extra terrestrials land looking for intelligent life).
· Drinking coffee with cream and no sugar (because that’s just not natural).

Thankfully we have a crack team of scientists who are employed fulltime to rectify any misinteraction with other beings in the case of these commonly ignored laws.


longstride said...

I drink coffee with cream but never sugar. Does that make me a criminal?!

David Sagus said...

Only in certain obscure areas of New Guinea