Friday, March 03, 2006

Chapter 4: Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Alternate Dimensions

It is a well-known fact among the Higher Scientific Community (note: this scientific community cannot be named due to their secretive nature. Rest assured that they are in fact real and have made astounding discoveries which mortal man must never see or read about due to their cataclysmic complexity) that there are, in fact, thirty-two dimensions. Our attempts thus far to send a subject into, say, the fifth dimension, have failed miserably. Though it has been done before by an ancient, now extinct, civilization once known to frequent Ventosus Island, their records have subsequently vanished with them. The authors of this paper firmly believe with great relish that we are on the verge (indeed, the very precipice) of discovering yet again how this ancient people managed to slip so easily from one dimension to the next.

One popular theory that has been setting the Lesser Scientific Community (this includes all of the –ologies such as biology, sociology, cosmetology, and chemistryology) ablaze with wonder involves a banana peel, three ice cubes, Beethoven’s ninth symphony in E minor, and a pair of comfortable yet practical steel boots. What the LSC (Lesser Scientific Community) does not yet realize is when all of the afore mentioned elements are combined in one pickle jar (which must happen for the theory to be relative) they will react quite negatively with each other and cease to exist. The only way to remedy such a dire situation is with the HSC’s (Higher Scientific Community, whose greatest discovery has been the non-existence of pancakes) very own Quantum Trilinear HAZMAT Constructor.

For the sake of humanity I can only describe it as thus: a circular square with infinite radius and negative depth. When contacted by the LSC about the possible purchase and deployment of a Quantum Trilinear HAZMAT Constructor, the HSC deemed the machine to be a hazard to the public at large and denied the request. “Preposterous,” some exclaimed, “Blasphemous,” said others. Outside the non-existent offices of the HSC was a frail man picketing with a billboard-sized sign which read ‘What about the Pancakes’. The public liaison for the HSC stood (rather defiantly some have said) in front of the hugely massive office building on Ventosus Island, stabbed a finger into the air and said simply “its science.” He then exploded into the future where, even now, he is enjoying a futuristic piece of steak.

It has been theorized, with proper margin for speculation and empirical conjecture (the basis of all research), that the denizens of each successive dimension get more ill tempered as the dimensions rise in number. Take, for a primitive example, time, which has largely been thought of as the fourth dimension. Anyone with a knowledge of dimensions will tell you that time is actually an off-shoot of the third dimension, as documented in section 21.84, paragraph 3, line 5 of the Dimension Jumpers Handbook (which, ironically, only exists in the 32nd dimension and is therefore all but unattainable).

Although some may find the notion of dimension jumping erroneously dangerous and needlessly complicated, the true believers know what great benefits will be had by such an endeavor. These include, but are certainly not limited to:

· Building galaxy-conquering armies comprised of higher dimension, hyper-intelligent beings.
· Learning the true ins and outs of the Parallax Displacement Formula
· Finding all those lost socks

And who is to say we won’t find the elusive Gigaflux Capacitor in some unknown corner of the darkest dimension? Of course, to find the darkest dimension one would need a flashlight capable of penetrating the Churning Nothingness. If such a device existed it would surely be comprised of the space-time continuum (which has been know to take physical form when confronted by a mob of angry, yet hospitable, chortling Dutchmen), and a large vat of the Colonel’s finest pudding. Yellow pudding to be more precise.

Once these key ingredients are located in the vast expanse that is the outer rim territorial open market dwelling, there is still the problem of powering the device that will penetrate the Churning Nothingness. Of all the alloys, batteries, fluids, and other various appliance-powering devices, there are exactly none that can power the flashlight used to penetrate the Churning Nothingness. This is most unfortunate. However, the very essence of the Churning Nothingness is such that it may very well just let any bipedal human pass without so much as a grunt, fluff, or otherwise sign of intelligent life. Not that the CN is un-intelligent mind you, it’s quite the opposite. But we humanoid life forms are, by comparison, nothing more than a spec of dust on the CN’s windowsill. And as dust is ignored so shall we be eating ice cream while searching for the Gigaflux Capacitor.

Why do we even need a Gigaflux Capacitor you may ask? For shame! I would have hoped that a reader so astute as to have made it this far in such a landmark journal of science would by now assume that an answer, however vague it may be, would be forthcoming. Ah, but this is merely chapter four so I will pardon you this once and proceed to answer to the best of my knowledge (which is vast).

It has occasionally been considered to be as much as 7% true that the Gigaflux Capacitor once resided on an island somewhere in the tropical Atlantic. As you may have guessed by now, mysterious things tend to happen in the vicinity of one Ventosus Island. We are still researching this phenomenon and will have conclusive enough evidence to commence the research needed to create a more exacting picture of what may or may not be happening on said island. Rest assured that once this research has commenced we will be able to, without a doubt, locate the Gigaflux Capacitor.

What the device does, in laymen’s terms, is create a parallel vacuum transistor in the fluctuation chamber of High-Con Seven. This will in turn remedy the sun obsolete as the resulting explosion of interwoven atoms and combined neurons will rend the very fabric that holds the universe together. Though this has never happened before it is widely speculated and narrowly assumed that such an event would cause a rift between the third and fourth dimension. Should one survive the universe rending it would then be theoretically possible to proceed with much haste into the fourth dimension. And how would one survive a Gigaflux Capacitor Discharge? By warping temporarily into the future, which we know can, and indeed has, happened. The QSP labs, located exactly three thousand kilometers east of Ventosus Island, are currently constructing a Localized Gigaflux Capacitor Discharge Coagulator (or POPPER for short). What this simply astounding piece of modern science and ingenuity will attempt to accomplish is to create on-demand dimensional rifts whilst minimizing the danger to the entire universe. In essence, a wide open door to the fourth dimension conveniently stored in one’s pocket.

In later chapters, after our (or someone’s) first successful voyage into the uncharted and untamed fourth dimension, we will report on what this new frontier holds.

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