Thursday, March 02, 2006

Chapter 3: Of Artificial Weather and Time Travel

The occurrence of what we currently describe as “artificial” weather is really a misnomer. We have no artificial weather at this time. The only close semblance to this is the unnatural weather that takes place whenever someone attempts to time travel. This is because when one attempts this through current technology all matter in a hemisphere approximately 200 meters in diameter is taken on the journey with them. This includes trees, passing swallows (both laden and un), and most importantly, Air. This resulting vacuum is one of Nature’s most abhorrent items on its inventory list. This causes such a great influx of nitrogen that super-gale force winds are created. This net reduction in world atmospheric pressure results in a planet wide drop of 0.000000217°C, while simultaneously superheating the air that is instantly converging on the location that was just vacated by the aforementioned traveler. This would instantly vaporize anything within that same 200 meter diameter so it is a very good thing that the time traveler is safely located in a different time else he(she) would cease to exist. It is greatly unfortunate that we have never been able to obtain any technology from these ventures into the future since no one has ever returned from one of their excursions. We assume that the future-present is just far to enticing to bother returning to the present-past. Why bother bringing technology back to now when you can just stay then and keep it all?

The main problem with this rapid influx of matter is its propensity to form massive hurricanes nearly spontaneously, thus the illusion of artificial weather. It is theorized that this is how we managed to lose great portions of the United States last year. There was a significant jump in time travel testing. The thought is that the more people you send to the future the more likely it will be that one of them will become nostalgic and come back to our time hopefully bringing back copious amounts of replicatable future technology and return it to the government that was willing to send them to the future in the first place so that mankind can benefit from the knowledge of the future instead of just selling it on Ebay and becoming fabulously wealthy. The problem, however, is we now have no idea how to look for people returning from the future (since we have never witnessed it happening), nor do we even know who to look for since the roster of who has been sent on this glorious mission was stored in New Orleans. The backup copy was on Ventosus Island.

The theory is that a reverse effect of this displacement happens at the receiving end of the time travel experience. This should in theory create an overpressure wave at the site of re-insertion effectively doubling the air pressure for that 200m hemisphere (as well as soil pressure and trees and such. While this may sound dangerous we are reasonably confident that there is no resulting destruction at the source of travel mostly because it wouldn’t be cool. Everyone knows time travel is cool, why else would you have needed a Delorean to portray it with?

One of the most common theories about why it is that people are not traveling back to the present time is that once in the future they discover some horrific problem with society and are attempting to go back in time to prevent that scenario from playing out. This generally causes more problems than it is worth. Most backward time travel is so disruptive to the existing timeline that it generally fractures time itself and remeshes it back together forming the myriad of static time bubbles expounded on previously. This belief however has met with substantial resistance within the confines of the Peruvian senate of the second asylum. What right those looneys have discussing the state of affairs of the entire universe the world may never know. I personally believe that they are the ones who may be on to something though.

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