Thursday, March 09, 2006

Chapter 7: The Problem With Humming

Personally, I don’t really care when people hum—especially if it happens to be a song I enjoy and they are halfway competent in the doing. Unfortunately, not all beings enjoy the presentation of wordless songs. In fact, it has been documented, almost tested, and nearly proven that if one were to hum whilst in the vicinity of Beta Gamma 9 (one of the more prominent and wealthy planets in the Leaf Blower quadrant, which, by strange coincidence, has no trees) the planet itself would swallow you whole and you would suffer in the Pit of Pitiful for what appears to be an unknown amount of time.

Not all planets have a Pit of Pitiful, but those that do should be considered armed and mildly exciting. By exciting of course I mean to imply with no basis of proof (for such things are trivial in such an obviously superior journal of science) that were you to carry a feather with you into a Pit of Pitiful it would be feasible to tickle your way out. Since not everyone remembers to carry a feather with them while traversing the deepest recesses of space, some have learned the art of tickling with a towel, which is the one item usually found on space traveling persons. A fact of renown is this: planets enjoy being tickled. It was this astounding discovery that nearly defeated the great army of the Krazak people. How this was accomplished and why it was such a great discovery has yet to be seen. You can be assured that it will be explained by this very journal at a later point in time, although the actual moment that it is revealed may not be so much a point as it is a little blur or a scratch even. Sometimes time is funny like that.

A hum is quite possibly the most powerful weapon in the Unknown Galaxy (as opposed to the Known). And since they are so readily available it is easy to see why the Unknown has never become the Known. For when an intrepid space explorer stumbles upon the elusive and evasive Unknown Galaxy, the populous, which has long been regarded as the most savage group of unknown beings in non-existence, will simply hum a tune and said explorer will cease to exist. The explanation for this is quite simple, when one hums in the Unknown Galaxy the wavelengths mutate in such a way that after traveling exactly 2.897 feet they no longer comprise an innocuous hum. Instead they are now a solid object with the properties of sound, setting your gaze on a block of sound has been known to turn even the heartiest space explorer into a freshly made wicker basket.

This may not seem like too terrible a problem at first, but that is only because you do not know the true nuances of the Unknown Galaxy. Wicker Baskets are the sworn enemy of the Unknown Galaxy Galactic Alliance, headed by none other than Spinner McBlam II. His orders are to shoot on sight and since we don’t know how large the Unknown Galaxy is, it can be assumed with a relatively high probability that the UGGA is everywhere and will not miss an opportunity to fire their
Perpetual High-Density Cannon on said baskets.

How these wicker baskets came to be public enemy #1 in the Unknown Galaxy is a very interesting tale of science, discovery, nostalgia (if you happen to be a Spore from Galatacon LX) and even Misery. It is important to note at this time that Misery is the name of the king of the Unknown Galaxy. We think. It has not yet officially been proven because we have not officially been to the Unknown Galaxy on official business. We believe that our invitations may have been lost in the transition from the realm of unknown into our realm, for if something unknown becomes known then it must surely not exist in it’s previous form. It is our firm belief that our invitations are, in fact, the Atlantic Ocean.


Ted Gossard said...

I often notice that too, when I go outside at night.

Ted Gossard said...

Yes, I noticed that last night when I went outside.