Chapter 11: The Mighty Kidney

The Hyperspace Conglomerate Committee has recently released the hyperspace travel safety guidelines, updated for the inclusion of the newly announced ZRLX Bucket. The ZRLX Bucket is a phenomenal feat of intergalactic engineering, capable of attaining speeds of 7.8 Googaflux. What this means, simply, is that the Bucket will have the capability of traversing the length, height, depth, breadth, and yes, even the width of the universe. Piloting said vessel has been lovingly compared to attempting to put socks on when ones feet are still wet. This is what the interplanetary racers of the galaxy refer to as ‘Pulling a fast one on ol’ mister Groohos’.

Due to the increased velocity and the ample g-forces generally produced when racing at anything greater than 2 Googaflux, most interplanetary racers have swallowed their brains whole and now only use the left kidney to produce coherent thought. This is the reason for some of their astoundingly timely sayings and euphemisms. It is no surprise, then, that some of the greatest thinkers in the history of the galaxy are or were former interplanetary racers. It is generally not a well thought out idea to quote former IRs due to the planet sized complexity and sheer revelatory substance of their musings. I am, however, compelled to share a quote that has guided me in my own musings.

While captaining a sinking ship, former IR Spinner McBlam X is reputed to have said, “Now that’s what I call twirling the cow while eating the fencepost nugget.” The gravity of these words is lost on mere mortals such as ourselves. Many prominent figures of the LSC considered him nothing more than a babbling madman, however, they were quickly refuted by an evil stare from the collective HSC.

While attempting advanced maneuvers in the ZRLX Bucket one must keep three things in the forefront of ones mind. What exactly these three things are is not important to casual operators; as long as three thoughts are in your mind the Bucket will function properly. In testing, it was generally concluded that to get the most power one should think about blue objects that can untie themselves.

The reasoning behind this is simple. With the advent of time travel, it was possible to power large devices with minimal thought. (How time travel factors into the equation has yet to be discovered). While this is all theoretical and the ZRLX Bucket has yet to be seen with human eyes, rest assured that someday we might just discover something along the lines of this scenario.