Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Greetings purchaser of fine literature. The co-author and I would like to start by extending the most illustrious thank-you that has ever been thrown in the general direction of the public at large. Whether you, our most valued reader, have purchased such a revelatory tome because of curiosity, a thirst for knowledge beyond comprehension, or merely had the great fortune of receiving such a wondrous wonder as a gift, rest assured you will find the contents of this landmark journal of quasi-science both enlightening and astounding. Shocking even. Whatever the means of ownership that you have chosen, it is certain that you are a connoisseur of words, a duke of exquisite sentences, and you too would like to know the wonder that is the fourteenth dimension.
Alas, not all introductions are created equal. The one you are reading now contains information so vast, so incomprehensibly distinguished, so lavishly simple yet mind bogglingly complex that it has vaulted ahead of any comparable introduction into A Realm Recently Vacated by Spinner McBlam Himself. And anyone familiar with the origins of the introduction species Grapiphilis Arenachis, knows that ARRVbSMH (A Realm Recently Vacated by Spinner McBlam Himself) is prime for raising young introductions. What follows is a taste of the scientific genius contained within this hallowed document. A sampling if you will. If we were in The Olive Garden, this introduction would be the Tour of Italy. So, procure from your cupboards a delectable beverage and relax as your knowledge and prestige in the scientific community rockets to absurd heights.
One must always remember that the ponderings of fools and madmen are of no consequence to the price of corn in China, which is of course the sum of the lateral expenses that are no longer equal to zero because of the wandering variable that occurs when the sun is perfectly aligned with Venus, Jupiter and the mysterious Planet X which may or may not actually exist depending on which astronomer you talk to. Some astronomers think that there may actually only be the planet earth in existence today, you see the reason for this is the fact that almost all animals are made of wood and cannot be chopped in a logical order and therefore cannot comprehend the essence of which they exist on this planet known as “reality” or in other words there are no knowledgeable beings that can decipher the hidden message so readily babbled by the multitudes of this great nation. Of course there are always the Canadians.
Canadians have brought many theories to light in the past decades. One of which deals with the way the sun can reflect off of the northern most quadrant of sector 2. This means, simply, that no earthbound vessels carrying cargo can enter at a right angle if said angle is parallel to the vector at which it is trying to enter. This also poses a problem to light infantry units when they are trying to get across the dessert with no boots to speak of. They also cannot cross water without a boat.
When dealing with such nuances as increased temperature and velocity one will tend to start speaking in old english. Do not worry as this symptom will pass and all will be well shortly. So when you see someone running and they say to you “thou art a villain and I will smite thee with my blade lest thou turn hence from thine evil ways,” do not be alarmed as these are merely side effects of someone who has undergone the vigorous five minute training in an attempt to be able to fall down many hills and come out unscathed with said persons ego intact.
But I digress; the genuine intent of this article quite possibly might be to discuss the moral dilemmas involved in discovering the maximum air velocity of a laden swallow. These dilemmas are threefold and as follows 1) whether or not it is humanitarian to laden a swallow in the first place, 2) whether or not it is kind to push the limits of its endurance through afore mentioned velocity tests, and 3) whether or not the test is going to be at all valid because of the vast number of variables in place such as the age of the swallow in question, the wind sheer and altitude of the location and of course, whether or not there are any relevant conundrums causing bubbles in the space time continuum in that location are effectively slowing the flow of the sands of time and making the swallow to appear to be traveling much faster than originally estimated.
These static bubbles have the uncanny ability to show up when they are least looked for usually having the reverse of the desired effect. Generally the times that you are really bored out of your mind or in a hurry (this may be one of those times) the “negative” or “slow” bubble will be acting on the situation, whereas the opposite has also been known to be true. Research has been able to prove with no plausible cause for argument that no definitive knowledge is possessed by any one person or group of persons as to why this may happen or even if these situations actually exist. Take heart though much of your tax dollars are being spent to further the cause of this research.

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