Thursday, April 06, 2006

Chapter 13: Attack of the Plankton

It is generally a largely ignored fact that the universe as a whole is not all that clear on what exactly it wants to be. On occasion one might find it humorous that the universe just decides to flop upside down like some otherwordly beached whale. While this can be funny to us as bipedal humans, the creature it is most certainly not at all amusing to is the Great Orange Polymer of the 32nd dimension. It has already been stated the 32nd dimension is the highest dimension that we know of and, therefore, the most dangerous. It may seem to most casual observers and the occasional fruit bat that these so called “menaces to all we deem good in the world” aren’t anything more than just harmless everyday plankton. Oh the folly of the casual observer and occasional fruit bat!

Had the casual observer observed less casually or the occasional fruit bat been something more akin to a dog we would surely not be in the predicament we see ourselves in now. It has been concluded by the HSC (whose nearly greatest discovery has been the importance of three-wheeled bicycles when excavating gold from the mines of Krognon) that plankton are simply an extension of the Great Orange Polymer into our own 3rd dimension (or the “Dimension of Promptness” depending on who you’re talking to and how much said person has had to drink).

“But plankton get eaten every day by harmless little fish” you may say. To which we at QSP readily respond, “If only you knew.” On more than one occasion it has been observed that the plankton so keenly devoured by the myriad of fish and other water dwelling friends, are merely invading the host body to study the interior anatomy. Like a spy invading and taking information back to the home base, so are the plankton reporting directly to the Great Orange Polymer. As you can see, the GOP is craftier than anyone could have ever imagined. It is even theorized that the plankton survive the boiling, frying, filleting, and all manner of food preparation. It is only a matter of time before the GOP gains control of the human mind.

By that time we hope to have had someone come back from the future with information on dealing with this problem. Until then we can only offer these following safety tips as protection:

· Always wear white socks with red trim, in the 32nd dimension this is known as “Glory Baking”.
· Never under any circumstances try to run while carrying a house.
· Try not to jump more than 3,000 times in any given minute.
· Eat more oatmeal.

Under certain conditions the GOP may gain an unfair advantage whilst playing a heated game of badminton. However, you will not know that you are playing against the GOP as it will have taken over the higher brain functions of your opponent. It is suggested by many prominent figures that you just let the Great Orange Polymer win, as this will sate its nearly insatiable yearning to be victorious at the most prominent sport in the 32nd dimension. The reason it may come to our humble 3rd dimension to play is still being researched but may have something to do with the fact that the GOP is considered a ‘runt’ in the 32nd dimension. While it could choose another lesser dimension along the way, ours is the only one that has no ‘Dimensional Being Rift Gate’.

The lack of said gate will surely be our demise in the future when the Great And Terrible Battle Of Dimensions (GATBOD) is assumed to happen. While we at QSP along with key figures of the HSC have been anticipating such an event, it is probable that the universe at large is not ready to set its collective gaze on all manner of beasts, creatures, monsters, and burnt pieces of whole wheat toast that will surely come pouring through our gate-less dimensional border.

Constructing a gate will take approximately three lengths of time (as measured using the Intergalactic Time Measuring Stick of Yore), which means we must start building immediately. Unfortunately, in order to start building we must first locate the Dimensional Seam that holds everything together. What is even more unfortunate than the contents of the previous sentence is the fact that the only equipment capable of finding said seam was housed on Ventosus Island and was damaged in the act of vandalism that also destroyed the time-warping equipment. (By ‘damaged’ and ‘destroyed’ we of course mean that there is no trace of said equipment left.) Rest assured, though, that three lengths of time after we commence building the Dimensional Being Rift Gate we will be perfectly safe from bothersome, human-eating, beings. Unless of course our gate is tipped over by a strong wind, which has been known to happen on occasion.


Ted Gossard said...
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Ted Gossard said...


Does plankton contribute to the constipation of brain wave activity relative to the formation of snot in the peripheral corridor of the venticulus- or am I a bit off here?

Radont said...

Only slightly off, it's the brain wave INactivity that causes it.