Venturing forth

For both of you loyal readers who have enjoyed this meandering through all things quasi-scientific, I invite you to join us as we venture forth into a brave new world in The Quasi-Scientific Ponderings v2.0. Much of what you find will be shamelessly recycled content from this blog edited for clarity, however before too long new material will be forced to show up as well. I hope you enjoy it.

Sincerely,

Spinner McBlam XLII
Empirical leader and part-time publicity writer for the Higher Scientific Community.

Chapter 35: The End of the World

It is generally assumed at present that the end of the world will be an event, an explosion of magnificent proportions. In fact, many scientists are greatly dismayed because such grandiose scale will inherently preclude their ability to witness, record, postulate, and ruminate. This is all very amusing because it wasn’t all that many centuries ago that it was known as absolute fact that the end of the world was merely a location; the physical border between the land and the nothing where the seas rushed into the void in an eternal flush of cosmic magnitude. The similarity between these theorems is that the world (actually any world) is a static shape, either round or flat. This is, most regrettably, not the case. To accurately portray the world (actually any world), you must think more along the lines of a cassette tape. “Why then, when we view our world (actually any world), do we see a sphere instead of a long ribbon stretching through space?” This is a result of a quirk of tesserectian physics where the ribbon of our world (actually any world) intersects with our plane of existence in what we view as a sphere. We are, in a matter of speaking, a part of the player head for this galactic tape. Every 24 hours you actually find yourself dumped from your current location onto an identical appearing place exactly 24,901.55 miles West of your location (varying by latitude) to an identical appearing point of tape. This does explain however why it is so easy to misplace your keys. Thus you see the end of the world (actually any world) is neither an event nor a location, but rather an occurrence where the tape reaches a conclusion.

Rest assured avid reader. Our fair world (actually any world) will not cease to exist with the running out of tape for the citizens of the 22nd dimension who are the caretakers of the universes tape players have been kindly rewinding the tapes and re-starting them since the beginning of time. Thus is the proof behind our oft-quoted colloquialism: History is doomed to repeat itself. However, it also is true that the future is also doomed to repeat itself, at least until the tapes wear out.

It is well known (and previously discussed) that the higher the dimension a race of creatures inhabits, the more ill tempered it inherently is. One of the rare exceptions to this rule is the race of self-aware congealed thought in the 22nd dimension who are the operators of the galactic tape players. These beings have befriended us because of the role that the GDPC (Galactic Disaster Preparedness Committee) had in saving them from a full-scale invasion by the Largely Grumpy Sea-Bass of the 23rd and ½ dimension. It was never admitted to these galactic caretakers that the Sea-Bass were sent to the 22nd dimension by the GDPC to escape extinction through excessive sport fishing by the Bluborkian Snuffle-traders.*

---

*The Bluborkian Snuffle-traders were advised to take up Largely Grumpy Sea-Bass 23.5 fishing by the GDPC to alleviate the violence begetting boredom that occurred when the people of Thorocon IV stopped purchasing Snuffle pelts at the request of the GDPC since it was inciting protest riots in the Qweezle sector. The people of the Qweezle sector were rioting about the Snuffle pelts because it was overexploiting their supply of Snuffles used for food ever since the Solar dust storms from the Horsehead nebula explosion wiped out the similar tasting Snargles. All in all it wasn’t one of the GDPC’s better runs.

Chapter 34: AFK

While recently away from my keyboard attempting to acquire a fine cup of hot green tea (which, incidentally, originated in Quadrant V) my workstation was assailed by what can only be called beings of immense intelligence from the far reaches of Space and Time. When I returned from my quest to find tea the following message was displayed on my monitor (it should be noted that this is an unaltered reproduction of said document, if you are able to translate the document in whole or in part please contact your local HSC™ representative promptly and with much gusto).

lol i leik teh quasi scintfic pondrings maybe for u shuld rite abot teh dimenshun of teh intarwebz lol in that dimshun thar wil b other monsters and creshurs lol i have a computer box at teh home but it is the sux0rz lol!!!!11!111!!!!one!!11 when i get teh new 1 tehn i can play teh gamez wif teh grafix up to the high setting!!!1! i think u shuld rite about me in teh next issue of qsp lol,,, i can beat Spiner Mcblamm at his own games of teh universe. lol

Now, this document can mean only 7.2 of 4 things:

1. The universe as we know it is in dire peril.
2. The universe as we know it is not in dire peril.
3. Sometimes tea can be too hot.
©. The being that wrote the document is testing our strength and guile.

If for some reason the universe is in fact in dire peril then you will receive a message saying as much from the Meta-Ariwaves broadcasting from the HSC headquarters. Of course, it is a well-known fact that the only way to hear a message transmitted on Meta-Airwaves is to cover oneself with the month of July and eat 5.4 Words of Digression. While this may at first seem theoretically, physically, technically, and vocationally impossible, rest assured that the HSC is almost hard at work creating something that may or may not be just what you thought you were looking for in the first place. Once such a device has been created (yet remain unnamed due to the limitations of all known language to describe a machine that could invariably vary the very core of our existence) you will be notified at the proper time using proper methods (paying particularly close attention to Article V Section 2 of the handbook of untimely notifications).

Chapter 33: The Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V

The discovery of the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V was a momentous occasion in the astrocartographic department of the HSC Headquarters. This was a far greater occurrence than merely discovering a standard Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar because the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V (whose name defies any and all attempts at acronymization) was shown to be located within the confines of Quadrant V. Prior to this Quadrant V was never proven to exist anywhere but the theoretical reality of Drs. Chrutchuizen and Chrutchuizen the conjoined physicist twins.

The original discovery of the Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar created merely something akin to a mild hoopla until attempts to locate it within the realm of known space (including but not limited to all 32 dimensions) proved disastrous to a number of scientist’s favorite chalkboards (all good higher science is still performed with chalk). Thus, since it was not known where this Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar was and it was known where it wasn’t, by inference the logical location that it must be is where all that wasn’t is or will be. By the time the astrocartographic department had nearly given up hope Drs. Chrutchuizen2 came along and jovially jogged their memory as to their previously laughable theorems. Approximately 3.7 weeks later they were able to apply the necessary mathematics (unfortunately it took some time to grow the proper chalkboards) and discover the location of Lazily Rotating Trinary Quellic Pulsar of Quadrant V within Quadrant V.

This astounding discovery converted the previously mild hoopla to a fantastically glorious celebration spanning the entirety of Ventosus Island. Unfortunately the parade and other proceedings were ruined by the inexplicably high winds that seem to propagate in the area. Higher Scientific authorities have assured us that it has nothing to do with the attempted time travel to the past to assure a faster replenishment of chalkboards.

Chapter 32: Origin of the Mats

Mats that cover the floors of various establishments have astoundingly peculiar properties. While at first glace they seem to be nothing more than rubber, carpet, or plastic objects lying in convenient places, if you were to take a closer look you would see that they are more than just objects to be trampled underfoot. It is in the hallowed halls of the auspicious HSC building located on Ventosus Island (which happens to be a nice place if you are looking for that last piece to The Puzzle) that you will find documents detailing the first meeting between man and Mat. While the exact origins of the Matimaliens is not known, it has been assumed on a number of occasions (it is a well known fact that if something is assumed exactly 712.984683 times while sitting in a large cup of tea, it automatically defaults to being true) that the origins of said beings are not important. What is important to note is the first meeting was a peaceful one.

However, since that first meeting the human race as a whole has enslaved the Matimaliens and lost sight of the fact that they are living beings with something almost resembling feelings. “But,” you may say, “Why isn’t any of this information in our school textbooks?” The answer is quite simple and will simply delight your inquisitive brain. You see, all of the theorems, conjectures, and improvable facts contained within this document are so mind numbingly complex that we at QSP must use a custom-made “HSC Word Containment Field” in order to keep the words of our scientific discoveries from floating off the page. Most people assume that science is heavy and can stay in one spot without fancy equipment, this may be true for the Lesser Scientific Community’s discoveries, but it is certainly not true for the wondrous wonderment that is the HSC. Since textbooks do not come equipped with any HSC-WCF, they cannot begin to start the process of commencing the development of including HSC science in their curriculum.

You may think that the heavy science is the more accurate science with more substance. That is exactly what the LSC wants you to think. They believe that physical science is absolute and has no deviations whatsoever. They have also brainwashed people into thinking that things with more stuff are heavier than things without as much stuff. “A pound of lead weighs more than an ounce of sweet honey from the comb,” is one of their favorite phrases. Naturally, the higher minds of the HSC know better. Take, for instance, the Krmphts from the 1st dimensions. If you were to stack three of them into a bottomless bag, (something that should only be attempted by trained professionals and lesser heroes due to the fact that the physiological makeup of a Krmpht is akin to a tube sock crossed with the anti-space equivalent of a malevolent but humorous goat) you would find that they weigh about 17.8 Kukaktiks (which is a universal standard for weight measurement, for comparative purposes, the average adult male human weighs ‘chair’ Kukaktiks). If you add in a fourth Krmpht the bag will suddenly plummet to ╝ Kukaktiks (which is considerably lower).

So now that the Matimaliens are officially at war with humanity they have taken it upon themselves to trip us at the most inopportune times. They especially enjoy tripping people who are attempting to impress members of the opposite sex. Ice has a very similar vendetta against us.

Chapter 31: Industrial Favoritism and Political Indifference

Normally this scientific journal has attempted to remain free from the political shackles that hinder lesser intellects but that time has slipped into the sands of time with a viscosity entirely unlike that which belongs to the aforementioned sands. It has come to our collective attention that a special interest group calling themselves the Industrial Superiority Conglomerate has begun lobbying for the reduction of scientific spending and research. Their position is that we can build a better tomorrow strictly by building better. They are calling for the shutdown of all major scientific research labs. Their picket lines have already caused mass intimidation at the tandem research labs of the Crutchuizen twins. Dr. Slobodan Vilczevski’s study of the synchronous flux of quantum phazons has been summarily halted until this situation remedies itself. To this outrage we must most loquaciously object! Quantum phazons wait for no man! These outbreaks have begun to occur at alarming rates. It is with monumental reluctance that we begin to delve into the political arena. Our protestations are that:

1. A better future cannot be built without first researching what that better future must entail.
2. We, the scientists, are the ones who will research the future to better it.
3. If an alternate community researches what a better future can be built from, they become scientists.
4. Since all scientists have been banned from practicing scientific progress.
5. The new researchers would be suffering the same dilemma currently facing the HSC.
6. And protesting it as we are.
7. See #1.

In the meantime we have invited the authoritative Mr. Iosef Valdini to mediate this atrocity with his singular aplomb. Mr. Valdini’s vast portfolio includes the culmination of the Qwellerian Chip crisis, and the Great Mastication Debate.

Chapter 30: A Clarification on the Malleability of the Past

Previous didactic treatises by my person have sought to explain the nature of time travel based on certain incidents that have been related to me by the somewhat dubious personage of Spinner McBlam’s cousin, who assures me that his name is too important to pronounce with one mouth. (In fact he will not respond unless at least 3 people voice his monosyllabic name – at least one has to be female, for purposes of harmony and distinction, he assures me*)

These accounts may have left the impression that the Scientific Community is in complete agreement on the matter. . . which we are not. The Lesser Scientific Community(LSC) has certain objections to the possibility of time travel. We in the Greater Scientific Community(GSC) try to avoid the hint of smugness in our voice when we point out that it is simply because they have not tried it yet.

Their arguments are fascinating and even spill over into the realms of the present and future, including destiny and freewill in a shameless attempt to appear “deep.” You see, there is good data from studies indicating that if a female perceives that a male in the LSC is “deep” she will ignore the growing awkwardness in his conversation for an additional 12 seconds before turning her attention to the shallow, but good-looking gentleman standing by the punch-bowl at the get-together. These additional 12 seconds of female attention are considered invaluable by the LSC. We in the GSC are above such qualms as pandering to the feminine aesthetic because, as David Sagus puts it: “They kind of have to start talking to us first.”

The LSC posits that if time travel is possible it is highly probable. Who would be able to do that and not use it? Therefore since the past has never been changed we have to assume that it cannot be changed. It is thus fixed and not subject to change. Therefore, since the present is nothing but the future’s past it is likewise unchangeable and so is the future – for how could a changeable outcome grow out of an unchangeable one? Destiny is absolute and nothing can change it.

Some disagreeable people disagree. . . er, naturally. They point out that if the past were changed our present would be destroyed and replaced by one more agreeable to the new logical flow of events. Therefore, we wouldn’t know that the past had been changed because memory is based (loosely) on previous events and the old, replaced memories would find themselves popping, embarrassed out of a mind in which they no longer had an excuse to inhabit. Memory is hard to hang on to anyway, much less when it knows it is no longer welcome. This would cause us to assume that the past is set, to proclaim so loudly, bask in the attention it provides, and then accept the set course of events as inevitable and with resignation when she goes to talk to Mark by the Punchbowl.

We in the GSC know that both extremes are extemperroneous. According to the theories of relativity nothing polite can travel faster than light. So the changes sliding down time’s arrow, like so many Cheerios down a string of minty dental floss would take an amount of time proportional to their distance from the present to snap the present into alignment.

Roy
Roy
Roy claims to have visited a family who, due to long memories and an incomprehensible stubborn streak, are able to recall the past past even after the new past has caught up to them. When asked to explain how they are capable of retaining memories which have no right to exist in their minds they reply: “Why should I?”
I told you they were stubborn.

I was having trouble understanding the concept. It was hard for me to focus on the story as Roy3 and I were Indian Leg Wrestling while he held forth.

“It’s like this,” Tri-Roy said as he pulled my knee into the general vicinity of my face, “When you saw George Lucas’s brilliant documentary Star Wars as a youngster you enjoyed the encounter with Han Solo and Greedo in the Cantina.”

“Yes!” I said, renewing my efforts and pulling our legs vertical again. I fear my flailing arm was interfering with Mark’s concentration, batting as it was at his pantleg. He showed remarkable calm, not spilling a drop as he ladled punch into a cup for the lovely lady who was walking around us from the disappointed fellow behind her as if she didn’t see us leg wrestling in the middle of the party. Mark smiled at her showing his fierce concentration and fiercer dimples.

“Well when he re-released the footage you were disappointed. You remembered how it went before he bowed to the Historical Revisionist Hollywood Left.”

“Honestly!” I said, losing a little leverage as well as a little pressure. The lady still evinced not to notice us. “There’s no way a feared bounty hunter could miss a seated target from across the table!”

“Well it’s like that, only for that family it’s like: ‘I liked things around here better when Cornwallis won the war.’”